Not to go all grim on yo’ asses, but it’s something I’ve been thinking about today. My Aunt died just before Christmas, and in a bout of morbid curiosity I decided to check out her Facebook page – something she hardly ever used when she was still alive. Now, I’m not the most sensitive of people – hard to believe, I know – but I have a nugget of tasty advice for any people posting on the Facebook wall of someone deceased: clench. Clench really hard. Clench so hard your face turns red and your veins start popping out. Clench like you’ve never clenched before. Clench as if a torrent of diaharretic plague-bearing rats are about to come out of your anus in a cascading shitterfall of diseased faecal vermin and you’re the only one in the world that can stop this tragedy from being unleashed purely through the power of clenching. Maybe then – just maybe – the pressure you exert will create enough stress inside that empty space in your skull to force one brain cell to *pop!* into existence. Maybe two, which would mean you’d be able to rub them together to pass the time, rather than posting inane, meaningless comments on a fucking dead woman’s Facebook wall.
And that’s before I even get to those who mindlessly posted the usual ‘play this game’ or ‘so-and-so threw a snowball at you’ shit. You people need to have a sit down and seriously think about your life. Ah, sorry, correct that one: you need to sit down and have a serious “HNNNNGH DUUUUUUHHHH” about your life.
I am being a bit harsh, I know – it’s a combination of people not really thinking about it but wanting to show their sympathy to the family, people simply not knowing and people not paying enough attention to untick a name when they send these pointless superwall things to everyone on their friends list. But there are easy solutions:
1. Send flowers, or even a card. If I managed to do it, so can you – and it’s more fucking heartfelt than spelling someone’s name wrong when you’re telling them to rest in peace on their Facebook wall.
2. Stop spamming people with those nonsensical, utterly shit widgets, games, addons and other nonsense that takes over the site.
3. Don’t gift my dead Aunt a duck for Farmville. If we’re being honest she won’t be needing it.
4. Don’t search for the exact title of your blog post to find an image for it, as it will only lead you to discover that someone else did a very similar, identically-titled post a few months ago and it will make you feel like an unoriginal bell-end.
And on that note, I apologise both for the fact that I have talked about death today, and for the fact that I haven’t even talked about games yet.