Fantasy is rubbish (aka I really want Mass Effect 2)

Come on, admit it – we’re all in the same boat here. Fantasy is rubbish. It’s boring. It’s all the same, and hobbits are pathetic inventions. Tiny men with hairy feet? I’ve shat out better ideas than that on a bad day. Ohh, it’s all dragons and orc(k)s and mages and castles and blah blah oh do be quiet. Bugger off fantasy – sci-fi is where it’s at.

Technically – there’s a small possibility – that this post may just have been prompted by the fact that Mass Effect 2 comes out soon and I really want it quite a lot. But that doesn’t change the fact that sci-fi is just a better genre. I don’t need arguments, I can rely on hastily-assembled examples from a wide variety* of sources to back me up.

Fantasy looks boring. It’s the British countryside with some scruffy-looking paupers, a bloke in some shiny tin and probably some green knobheads who can’t talk properly. Like Mexborough, then. Sci-fi has unlimited potential to be anything, anywhere – look at Mass Effect: it has planets made of different colours of rock. The wonders don’t cease there though – it even has buildings with normal rooms in them. Amazing.

Stories? ‘Ohhh, wah wah the evil thing is coming back from its eternal slumber to wipe us all out unless you can do some ancient magic at it’. Piss off with that nonsense. It’s all about Mass Effect and its ‘ancient evil returning once again to destroy the universe unless you can shoot some people and stop it’. There’s a marked difference there, evidently.

And let’s not forget the music. Oh god the music (this bit’s half-serious, actually). Just fuck off with your twee, lute-based nonsense that soon forms the backing line of some epic orchestral score. I want synth. I want long, drawn-out single notes played for 15 minutes solid. Basically, again, I want Mass Effect. The music throughout that game is magical, with the score backing the C-Sec area holding firm as some of the Best Music Ever In Games Ever.

The problem with these astonishing, life-changing arguments is that they all fall down when it comes to gaming. I’m as big an Oblivion fan as anyone, and that’s bullshit fantasy to the nth degree. Throw 50 hours of Dragon Age on top of that (not including the DLC/expansions that I fully intend to purchase) and you realise I’m just talking bollocks. Not to mention the countless other RPGs of a fantasy persuasion.

Shitballs. I’ve rendered the best argument of all time redundant in the space of one paragraph. Curse you god, for making me this way.

*Please note: these opinions are formed on the basis that I have never really read any fantasy or sci-fi novels, nor have I ever been involved in any tabletop gaming (bar a brief, shockingly underwhelming stint with Space Hulk). I have, however, seen a lot of sci-fi and fantasy films, which makes it all the more surprising that said arguments are so very deep, clever and thorough.

*Mass Effect and nothing else.

1 Comment

Filed under Prattle

One response to “Fantasy is rubbish (aka I really want Mass Effect 2)

  1. Anna

    We need to talk.

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