Winning (or not, as the case may be)

I am a loser. This fact was re-iterated last night/this morning when I lost out on a £30 sweepstake by one sidestep. I hate you, John Cena. But what else did I expect? It’s not like I’m world renowned for my winning ways – no, I have to make do with simply being known for my incredible wit, fantastic hair and altogether winning personality.

No wait – not ‘winning’. That’s the point I’m trying to make here. Damn words.

This isn’t an ‘oh-poor-me’ whine where I shed crocodile tears over the – frankly astounding – fact that I very rarely, if ever, win things. It’s more just telling facts as they are. In my life I have won these things:

  • A copy of Rover Dangerfield on VHS.

It’s safe to say that isn’t the biggest win-o-rama list you’ve ever seen. Mainly because it’s likely you’ve seen a list of winnings that stretches beyond the heady heights of one item. Though, to be fair to me, how many of you even know what Rover Dangerfield is? BAM. Yes kids; a film about a fat Basset Hound from Vegas who gets thrown off a dam before the man who engages said dam-throwing is killed by the mob is the only thing I’ve ever won.

This is an amazing fact and one that I hope to keep with me for a very long time. Winning is overrated. After all, how would you be able to appreciate a film of Rover Dangerfield’s quality if you were inundated with other prizes? If you won the lottery – all £3.20 of it, or whatever the prize tends to be these days – you wouldn’t have time to take in the majestic glory of Rodney Dangerfield voicing a dog called Rover (and sharing his surname, astoundingly).

See kids, winning isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. There are those described as “life’s losers”, but those are the people whose lives are actually enriched by that they do win, achieve or finally get done. For example: if I had won more in my life than Rover Dangerfield (on VHS), do you think I would have the time to bask in the glory of writing an entire (one-page) quiz (that I do most months and doesn’t take me longer than an hour to finish) all by myself (though often with help) for my magazine? I think not.

And that is the beautiful thing about being one of life’s losers.

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4 Comments

Filed under Prattle

4 responses to “Winning (or not, as the case may be)

  1. Gem

    This shoop is almost as good as, if not slightly better than Trian Crash. Which had me and Andy giggling for ages. Well done you.

  2. Anna

    I was in the MIDDLE of baking you a CAKE, Ian. Jesus.

  3. Andrew

    I only came here to say:

    “I don’t get no respect!”

    My work here = done

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