Unfortunately there was never a definite point in life when I suddenly became an adult. I mean, I still find farts the height of comic sophistication and the first thing I do when given a pen and piece of paper is draw a knob, so I’m clearly not really a grown up. But then you realise what’s been playing on your mind for the last few weeks – money worries, unpaid bills, something about council tax bands – and you realise that WHOOPS ALFUCKINGMIGHTY, you’re supposed to be a real person now.
Well I don’t think it’s on, and I propose that the inevitable arrival of a Tory Cunt Government should bring with it a complete change on how growing up is handled, so the youth of today don’t go through what we’ve all been through when they realise they’re concerned about the longevity of a bookshelf they’ve had their eye on. For argument’s sake, I’d say it’ll last you a good ten years – at least.
The Jewish faith has it nailed on, more or less – a Bar (or Bat) Mitzvah, where the child becomes responsible for their own actions. In essence, they become an adult. We need a modified version of this for Britain as a whole, to hit at a different point depending on your circumstances. Obviously early school leavers would have to have the ceremony held at 16, probably in-between shifts at the call centre (and only if they have team leader permission). Whereas the layabouts like me who went to uni would have to wait until they were about 24/25 for the event – after all, post-uni you need a good few years to adjust to the fact that you’re expected to do things now, so throwing someone still adjusting straight into adulthood could have dire, explosive consequences.
Basically, what I’m saying is: I don’t like paying bills. Fuck you bills, fuck you EON and your debt collection agencies and fuck you mobile phones for letting those pricks get in touch with me.