I don’t like having hair. It’s stupid. It grows and it gets messy and you have to make it look less messy and you have to wash it and the cycle of suffering never ends. It’s stupid. It’s pointless – I mean, why do we even have it? We’ve invented hats, for fuck’s sake, it’s not like we need nature’s take on the whole thing anymore. It’s like the appendix – it has lost any function it once had and is no longer necessary in humans. As Joseph McCabe argued:
“The vermiform appendage—in which some recent medical writers have vainly endeavoured to find a utility—is the shrunken remainder of a large and normal intestine of a remote ancestor. This interpretation would stand even if it were found to have a certain use in the human body. Vestigial organs are sometimes pressed into a secondary use when their original function has been lost.”
I would like to modify this statement for my own, anti-hair manifesto:
“The mostly protein-based filament known as “hair” —in which some recent medical writers have vainly endeavoured to find a utility—is the shrunken remainder of that which once covered the entire body of a remote ancestor. This interpretation would stand even if it were found to have a certain use in the human body. Hair has since been pressed into a secondary use after its original function was lost. Namely: to make people spend ages looking in the mirror and generally look like a complete and total twatend.”
We can sweat, we have man-made methods in which to keep cool and disperse body heat. There is no need to continue this charade that we ‘need’ or even ‘like’ having hair. Who can honestly say it’s fun to put a crapload of gunk on the top of your head in the vain hope it might make people think you look better than on any other day? And surely no one can say it’s “a right laugh” when this outdated, evolutionary throwback decides it isn’t going to obey basic Newtonian rules and instead behave in a manner which completely disobeys the laws of physics, no matter how much force you exert trying to make it stick in the way you want it to. If ever there were an argument against intelligent design it’s this: hair is shit and pointless, and no god would want us to spend half an hour each morning fannying around with it when he could have made us sleek, hairless (figurative) cougars who spend all day fighting crime or something. Take that, religious zealots!
Still, at least I’m not bald. That would be simply awful.