I just wanted to go for a beer, I did not want to be set upon by legions of dickheads wearing branded hats that somehow make them even twattier than they already are. I dislike full pubs/clubs/any other public places at the best of times, but fuck me if St Patrick’s Day isn’t the most ridiculous of the lot. It’s merely an excuse for all of the utter wankers you never want to see in your lifetime – never mind all of them together in one place with you – to go out and get as hammered as only the truly pathetic wankers can (seriously: learn how to handle your drink you absolute peasants. You apparently drink so much – I’ve seen you on Booze Britain, so don’t deny it. So why the hell can’t you have more than two or three shandies before you turn into a loud, lairy, obnoxious piece of shit?).
This is without even going down the route that oh so many people (rightly) point out: the majority of you are not Irish. You don’t care about Ireland, its saints or its heritage the rest of the time, so why the fuck now? What’s so special about this day, besides the fact that you’re so monumentally stupid you allow yourself to be drawn in to this Guinness-marketed drivel? Name one fucking thing that makes the day special, aside from the effect it has on my ability to go and enjoy one chilled beverage before I head home? One thing. A thing. You can’t, can you? Plebs. (I mean, neither can I, but then I don’t subscribe to this bullshit so I have the higher ground here)
Do you think many Irish people care about the English? Do you think they’d care about our patron saint’s day? Would they bollocks. They’d find a reasonable excuse to go out on the lash. “It’s Wednesday”, for example. It’s confusing, therefore, that I hate St Patrick’s Day so much, yet I can identify with the Irish so much. It makes me befuddled and hungry.
Here’s a suggestion: next year we all pick a day and make it Saint Guinefort’s day. Then I’d happily wear a shit hat and go out on the lash because I’ve been told to by some marketing pricks.