REVIEW: Clash of the Titans 3D: Titans Will Clash (in Three Dimensions)

I like the original Clash of the Titans; I used to watch it any time it was on TV, usually on a lazy Sunday afternoon and when I had nothing much to do. It was cheesy, ham-filled but utterly charming. Harking back to the likes of Jason and the Argonauts as it did, I was always going to like it really. The remake, though, is lacking in the absolutely necessary charm factor.

It’s a suitably big-budget movie, blah blah set pieces, good looking cast, big monsters, PEGASUS PEGASI etc. etc. etc. 7/10

I watched this film in 3D. Well, I should rephrase that: I watched this film in blur-o-vision. For those that don’t know, 3D cinema requires viewers to don some rather fetching NHS-style specs to be able to view the thing with a glorious extra dimension. For those that also don’t know that I wear glasses: I wear glasses. Big ones. They make up about 49 per cent of my facial features. Without them I look like an unripe plum with a pointy nose.

The glasses provided to let you see everything in super-ultra-mega dimension X vision are quite clearly not made with the spectacle wearer in mind. I have been informed that some places operate a goggley system for the headgear, meaning something a lot bigger goes over your face and not just a little, shitty pair of glasses.

But no, where we went – the Odeon in Bournemouth, no less – we were provided with nothing but some godawful, cheap little specs. They proved rather hard to wear over my existing glasses, but were nigh-on impossible to wear under them. This meant for the entire film I was maintaining an interesting (and difficult) balancing act just to try and see the thing how it was meant to be seen. But even then, I couldn’t see it properly. Some things, yes – I got flashes of depth, or things flying out of the screen at me and whatever other inane shite the film studios are having to use to try and get us to come to the cinema.

But generally speaking it was a massive, confusing waste of time. In fast-paced action sequences I was quite literally unable to see what was going on. I have officially been unfairly persecuted. We got ramps fitted in most places for wheelchair users – isn’t it about time we stop discriminating against large spectacle users? I think it is. Someone get on it, I’ve got other stuff to do.


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