I am at odds as to whether I’m going to bother watching the first live televised debate between the main political party leaders. It’s on in about 13 minutes and is sure to be… shit, really. Everything will have been so carefully stage-managed and vetted in advance that there are unlikely to be any ridiculous statements, any revelations or anything of worth said. That’s why the papers are more looking forward to someone stumbling over their words or sweating a bit too much or something – because nothing of worth will come from the ‘debate’ (otherwise known as ‘stage show’).
And so, with that in mind, I have a few suggestions for what Gordon Brown, David Cameron and Nick Clegg could do on TV instead. These ideas probably wouldn’t give us any further insight into each party’s policies, but neither is the real debate – at least my suggestions would be marginally more entertaining.
- Nudity and mud wrestling: In-between each round of questioning, the candidates are forced to strip naked, roll around in sloppy mud while play-fighting and scream their three main policies in as high-pitched a voice as they can. Then they get dressed and return to the podiums, only to repeat the process after the next question.
- Less men, more sexy ladies: Nobody wants to look at Nick Clegg. Cameron looks like a polished plum. And Brown? Fuck me, that’s some odd-looking shit. No – we, the British public, don’t want to see these idiots and their smug faces. We want to see sexy ladies, possibly on trampolines, carrying jugs of beer. And I’m not even going to make a ‘mass debate’ joke.
- Prizes: Of course, the ultimate prize may be the opportunity to run the country, but I think smaller spot prizes should be offered on the night. Cameron pulls off a spectacular answer to the question of “why are you such a toff prick?” and is awarded a small novelty pen for his eloquence. It would encourage the politicians to bring their ‘A’ game, and it would force them to be more entertaining.
- Violence should be allowed: David Cameron hits back at Gordon Brown with a smug comment about being “down with the people” or some nonsense along those lines. Brown leaves his podium, steps across the stage and breaks Cameron’s jaw. Hilarity ensues, and it would be some damn cathartic television.
- Gungeing: Self-explanatory, really.
And there you have it. I’ve actually managed to convince myself to watch the debates now, on the off chance they’ll have picked up on one of these ideas. Time for some politicking!