The five worst comedians

You’ll often see lists extolling the virtues of many stand-up comedians. The most likely chaps on these lists will be comedy gods like Stewart Lee, Yanks like Zack Galifianakis, underrated gems like Sean Lock and “comedy missiles” like Eugene Mirman. Fair enough, but these people are now on every list everywhere, so there’s nothing new to be said now. Plus there’s the fact that people don’t listen to these lists and instead continue to support some astonishingly bad comedians. As this is the case, here’s a list of some comedians you shouldn’t like, as they are shit. All decisions are final.

1. Russell Howard.

A bit mean, as I do actually like the guy, and he is quite funny. Two things though: his act hasn’t changed – at all – in years, and live he gets boring after about 45 minutes. This is fact you cannot argue with.

2. Dane Cook.

For those unfamiliar:

Look at those idiots in the crowd. They’re actually worse than him, as all they do is encourage this utter waste of skin.

3. Peter Kay

Now, being northern I’m supposed to love this guy. I don’t. He has confused the art of observational humour with the act of ‘saying what things are’. Absolute lowest common denominator demi-comedy that would be the worst thing on this list were it not for the next entry.

4. Michael Mcintyre

The reason this list exists. The man is the least talented arse alive and so many people have been drawn in by his… by his what? Well, most likely by his astonishingly boring jokes, his hilarious camp mannerisms and the fact that he’s just a southern Peter Kay (see above). Stop supporting this muppet: I am a better stand-up than he is, and I’m not a stand-up. This tells you all you need to know.

5. Most female comedians

Wah wah sexist: shut up. I’m just being correct, as always. Generally speaking, female comedians (comediennes, whatever) are not funny. See: Catherine Tate, for a quick example. There are exceptions – Lucy Porter, for a second quick example – but there are far too many shit ones for a handful to redress the balance. So there.

And that’s that. Truth has been spoken, Ian has gone done said it all.

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18 Comments

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18 responses to “The five worst comedians

  1. ashscores

    Just checking Dane Cook is on there. He is. Good work but sorely missing Martin Lawrence.

  2. Jen

    I like Russell Howard 😦 Mind you, never seen him for 45mins so maybe he does have a time limit.

    You’re right otherwise though. Get rid of the rest, except Lucy Porter. She’s not bad. There are some good female comedians but they’re ridiculously few :/ Most just end up caricatures that make me cringe for my gender!

    Sean Lock is ridiculously underrated.

  3. Ash: Believe me, the list could go on indefinitely. These aren’t even the top shittest – I’m just too headachey to write more.

    Jen: As I said, I like Howard too. He just gets dull fast, and he’d just been on telly before I wrote this which is probably why he’s included.

  4. Aaron

    Nonsense. Anyone who can’t concede that Peter Kay and Michael Mcintyre are at least okay is being deliberately contrary.

    Silly man.

    • Since when has simply being okay been qualification enough to avoid a ‘worst of’ list?

      They’re both masters of dull, formulaic and painfully obvious comedy. On both counts I can see why people find them funny, but on both counts I despair for humanity as a whole. Comedy should be interesting, intelligent and sometimes even challenging. It shouldn’t be a camp twat giggling about how northerners say things, or a northerner asking why people call it “the big light”. There’s room for every kind of comedy, just not for me.

      This is for me: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0IE0kSZmW6g

      (Also: haha, you’re commenting on my blog)

  5. Aaron

    The only thing comedy should be is funny.

    Your subjectivity disgusts me.

    I like your blog.

  6. It should be funny AND not lazy.

    i.e. it should be the complete antithesis of me.

  7. Tom

    Roy Chubby Brown is the worst human being ever, and I’m not even sure he qualifies for that. However, surely he must enter this list?

    Also: anyone connected in ANYWAY to the Mighty Boosh (you said comendians in the title, not just stand up),* which was, is and will always remain a phenomenon entirely bereft of comedy, suitable only for bufoonish teenagers who mistake outlandishness for style and surrealism for humour.

    God, I’m angry again now. MOONS AREN’T FUNNY.

    *Intro paragraphs don’t count, fuck off.

  8. Pete

    I always liked Peter Kaye on the basis of Phoenix Nights, but yeah the standup is a little LCD.

    Russell Howard however: dreadful. Sure, he’s witty, but why not
    leave it at that and just be an observational writer or something, not a
    really, really lame standup. All girls seem to like him though, which is weird.

    Re female comedians (dumb term; when would you say ‘male comedians’? Maybe if they were in such a minority) I find shappi khorsandi really funny, but maybe it’s cause I fancy her and I’m just trying to endear myself to her from the other side of the radio.

  9. byronchenko

    Michael Mcintyre is dreadful. I managed six minutes of his dvd, which was about three minutes of his material.

    Andy Parsons should be on your list too, if only for his fucking face.

  10. byronchenko

    Just to clarify, I downloaded his dvd, I’m a thief, not an idiot.

  11. Pingback: 365/365 – but I’m not done quite yet | worthless prattle makes the world go round

  12. A stand-up comedian

    Michael McIntyre irritates the piss out of me, but you’re not a better stand-up than him, you fucking bottler.

  13. I feel like doing a response post to this, but it would just be: “Hugh Dennis is amazing x5”. Maybe I still will. MYBZ.

  14. stewknobba

    Wheres Lenny Henry?????? He has been doing the same utter rubbish for 30 years, utter rubbish is putting it mildly. All he does is talk about being black, all the white comedians don’t just base their whole act on being white, why does he get away with it, someone needs to take him aside and tell him he is completly UNFUNNY, when you see him on tv he bangs on about growing up in Dudley, and you can almost finish his jokes off, you’ve heard them that many bloody times before, and in fairness they’re not even jokes, it’s just a bunch of waffle, the prattle of the dead, and the audience just seem to laugh cos they are meant to. I don’t care what someones religion, colour, creed, beliefs are, but we should’t have to just have the a minimum amount of black comedians to address numbers, that amos bloke for Instance, he is one of the least funny people ever, but got his own show….HOW??????? or should that be why? Because he happens to be a black man and someones decided that we have to have a new black person on tv telling jokes, it doesn’t seem to matter that he isn’t in the least bit amusing, he just happens to be a black fella who tells jokes, so lets give him his own show, another blatant example of this is Omid jallilli (not sure if thats how to spell his name but I am not going to check cos it’s not od any consequence, a bit like his act, where he does a thick middle eastern accent and does a bit of bellydancing (same act for 10 painful years so far), if someones funny they are funny, whether or not they are Pink, black, brown, yellow, purple green or pink with yellow spots (like Mr Blobby who is funnier than a lot of the so called talent we have on our tv’s). PS may I just say how ghastly Russell howard is, I actually cringe for him (theres a great youtube of him on mock the week, scenes we’d Like to see, where russell walks to the mic and shouts out ‘RIGH, who ate my scotch egg?” It’s greeted by a wall of silence and its car crash tv at its best, you can see his face thinking ”What the hells wrong with them idiots, I’m hilarious”.

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