Seven reasons Star Wars is actually rubbish

Did you think Star Wars was great? Sorry to break it to you, but it’s actually a big pile of pump. Not the prequel trilogy, not the original films, not the Holiday Special, the Clone Wars series, the dozens of video games or even the toys. All of it. Every single last bit of anything to do with Star Wars is a load of dump-o, and it all comes down to these seven simple to understand reasons. Read and be enlightened, chaps and chapettes.

One massive story/scripting lie: Watch Return of the Jedi. See the part where the A-Wing crashes into the bridge of the Executor, causing it to crash into the Death Star II (killing, presumably, thousands)? That was a bizarre accident, as a result of the A-Wing being damaged and the pilot unable to control it, right? Wrong. According to the real, actual, genuine story, the pilot – Arvel Crynyd – crashed his space boat into the bigger space boat on purpose. It was a suicide dive. I don’t find that hard to believe, I just think it’s bullshit revisionist history concocted to give a crap pilot a grander story to take away from the fact that he was incompetent and got shot down. I don’t give two plops what’s in the script.

AT-ATs are modelled on dogs: Or camels, or horses, or cows – whatever it is they’re modelled on, it’s stupid. Model them on a massive fucking tank that can fuck shit up. Not after your favourite pet. How those designs were approved by the Emperor – which I’d assume all such huge decisions are – I do not know. Maybe Palpatine had a Labrador he loved dearly as a kid and used the design to remember his pooch in the only way he thought viable.

C3PO: This isn’t the fault of three-pee-oh himself – it’s how he was programmed. It’s just the fact that he was programmed by the most evil man in the universe and he still ended up being a hilarious pastiche of all gay men ever. An absolute coward, a pedant, a Negative Nancy, an eternal pessimist and an arrogant sonofabitch, how he does anything bar bring the whole Star Wars mythology down I do not know.

Han Solo is a racist: this one popped up as a suggestion from Anna, actually. Han speaks a variety of alien languages – we regularly see him chatting with Chewbacca, he has a natter with Greedo (before not shooting first) and his exchanges with Jabba The Hutt are always captivating. Especially when the former treads on the latter’s tail. But in all of these conversations, Han refuses to speak in the alien’s native tongue, instead sticking resolutely to Galactic Standard (“English”). This is clearly rude, and the only explanation can be that Han Solo is a massive racist. He does keep Chewie as a slave, after all.

Super Empire Strikes Back is too hard: Seriously. I just tried playing it after a break of about ten years. I remember now why I never got past about the third level. Fuck you, hard SNES games.

Lightsabers don’t exist: It honestly makes me sad.

General Rieekan’s uniform: He wears Strepsils. The man is clearly a lunatic, and not a General as he claims. If this had been noticed earlier, as it should have been, the man would not have been allowed to have any authority over the hundreds (or thousands) of rebels located in Echo Base. An evacuation order from someone you believe to be in charge is one thing, but when a man who chooses to wear a brand of throat lozenges tells you to abandon your snowy bunker it carries less gravitas.

And this is without even going into the myriad things that come up on things like the Family Star Wars’s’s’ (which is shit, but for very different (real) reasons) and Kevin Smith films, like how Lando steals Han’s clothes, or how thousands of independent contractors died on the second Death Star.

Safe to say: Star Wars is shit. You have been told.

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4 Comments

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4 responses to “Seven reasons Star Wars is actually rubbish

  1. Gem

    Really enjoyed this post. Also, I now enjoy Star Wars even more.

  2. Dan

    1) i don’t care about the piloting error, wedge would have won the battle single handedly anyway.

    2)at-at’s aren’t meant to be tanks, they’re transport vehicles. so it’s better for them to be up really high, and away from any potential IEDs. maybe the british and american army should learn something from this. and their really big feet squash people, so that’s a bonus. AT-STs though, don’t get me started on those, the least subtle scout vehicles ever?

    3) C3PO is a bitch, i’ll give you that.

    4) han solo is not a racist. the wookiee languages are notoriously difficult languages for humans to speak, and chewie understands basic fine anyway, so it doesn’t matter. han can speak huttese, but chooses not to, as it insults hutts to hear humans speaking their language, as they’re scum. and he speaks to greedo in greedo’s language.

    5) most star wars games were dead hard. i don’t think i ever got past the first level on that rebel assualt game on the pc, i always crashed into the canyon walls. and i always died on x-wing vs tie fighter because i used up too much of my power shooting and not on shields. then there was that star wars game on the gameboy, where you drive around on a landspeeder, i never got off the first screen on that, even though i played it for fucking ages.

    6) i really, really wish star wars was real. i’d be best friends with han and lando. i bet i could beat han’s time/distance on the kessel run. as i said on twitter the other day, they really are going to have to get better at developing space travel really fast, otherwise i’m never going to be able to get to go to the smuggler’s run.

    7) that’s just stupid.

    i’ve watched all six films over the last two days. attack of the clones really is shit. but the others are all good to great.

  3. Pingback: 200th post spectacularrrrrrr « worthless prattle makes the world go round

  4. Lol

    Star Wars is the gayest piece of shit I have ever seen!

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