I work in the media, I think, which means I am privy to information you normies aren’t. So it is with great boasty pride that I can present to you an actual account of what will happen in today’s election. Complete and unabridged and with the results in full. I absolutely guarantee this is not just a made up list to fill in for my blog this eve as I have a massive tired-headache. Guarantee. In a way.
9:00pm: Channel 4’s Alternative Election Night starts; viewers recoil once more at the sight of Brooker’s heinous haircut.
9:04pm: It dawns on people that Lauren Laverne is on the show. They wonder why. (Ah, she’s alright)
9:35pm: The BNP take a massive lead, after people voting for them ‘for a laugh’ gets out of hand.
9:59pm: The person you know who’s been demanding you vote all day, as if you’ll die if you don’t – you know who I mean – him. Well, he realises he’s forgotten to vote as he’d been too busy being an annoying prick.
10:00pm: The polls close. The country lets out a collective sigh as the inevitability of a Tory win sets in.
10:03pm: This happens:
Well, that was shit. Happy Toryland for tomorrow, kids!