We’ve entered the run up to a new World Cup, meaning we get the inevitable bunch of stupendously bad adverts that go along with it. Chief among them are the likes of Carlsberg’s ‘best teamtalk in the world’ ad, which makes me want to immediately abandon this country for less jingoistic – and wanky – climes, as well as the Walkers ad for their collection of crisps that taste like stereotypical foods from countries. Or feet, I’m not sure which.
But both these ads at least have some air of what could possibly be referred to as ‘dignity’ about them. They don’t actually have dignity, don’t get me wrong, but at least they’re not adverts for The Sun or News Of The World. These ads, for those who haven’t seen them, involve in one case Tim “eh?” Westwood saying… words… about some George Cross flags on a car, or something. It will make you sad to be alive. The other is Terry “Dodgy” Venables singing a song while Ian Wright and some other idiots (and Harry Redknapp) look on, smiling. It’s pretty much insane. For those who have seen them – I share your pain, and if you want me to help you burn your own eyes out I will. Happily. Anything to relieve the suffering of my fellow humans.
It’s testament to the absolute insanity of the Murdoch empire that they opted for ads involving Tim Westwood – vying for the title of ‘Worst Person’ every year for the last however many he’s been alive – and Terry Venables singing. No media goliath would want to inflict this kind of shit on the people of the world if it weren’t for one of two reasons: they legitimately don’t know what they’re doing, or, they actually want everyone in England to kill themselves immediately. The latter, of course, wouldn’t make sense though – it would mean there’d be no one left in the country to not buy their papers.
Oh yeah – that’s some fucking hardcore satire right there.
Still, as a show of good faith to a giant of the publishing industry that brings nothing but hateful, misinformed bile to the world at large (no, not this blog – ha ha HAHAHA), I will suggest a substitute ad to be used in place of these two obscenities. Take into account this took me a long time to come up with – at least four minutes – so I’d appreciate you taking into account the magnificent effort I’ve put in.
The scene opens in a familiar fashion, with Terry Venables walking towards the camera – it soon becomes apparent however that he’s actually in the midst of selling a used car. The viewer then becomes aware that Venables is actually selling a clapped-out motor to a cowardly Italian for a grossly inflated price. When the sale is complete and the frightened European has been royally ripped off we hear a crowd of fans cheering, probably shouting “VINDALOOOOO!” or something. We then cut to some hilarious footage of Ian Wright dancing when he thinks the cameras aren’t switched on while Gary Lineker – hidden somewhat in the background – can just about be made out bathing in a tub of contract-breaching Monster Munch. Alan Shearer then scores a goal with Hitler’s head, after the Fuhrer has been decapitated by Britannia and some creative use of her trident. Three lions then shit on a baguette. The scene slowly fades to black as a chorus of “Two World Wars and one World Cup!” rings out, the vocal charge lead by Baddiel and Skinner, who also do shits on the already-lion-shitty baguette. The Sun’s masthead appears with the caption reading “Today: the World Cup. Tomorrow: the Falklands.”
Mad Men is the inspiration for my new-found skill when it comes to advertising, in case you were wondering.