The fine, noble art of customer reviews

I love customer reviews. No, wait – I hate them. Oh, I something them I’m sure, I just can’t decide what. Regardless of my feeling(s) towards them, though, there’s no denying the fact that they’re a bag of useless shite. Sure, it’s good to be sorting through a bunch of identical items on Amazon only to see that one of them has half a star more than the other four dozen, but if you were to check the reviews of the lower-scoring items (potato hammocks, or whatever it is you’re buying) you would see they were ranked lower because some schmuck bought one when they wanted something else, like a hamster detonator or something. This, in their tiny mind, therefore means the item in question deserves one star out of five. This has the knock-on effect of bringing the overall score down, if only slightly, and can then mean the difference between a purchase and non-purchase.

Yes folks, I do indeed work for the Potato Hammock Advisory Board.

I don’t actually know why this irks me so, but it really does. Reading reviews of things only to see someone going against the grain just because they think the brand is shit, or the one they bought was broken (even though they got a working replacement)… it just annoys me. I’d make some comment about being a professional reviewer, but that would be amazingly cunty so I won’t. Instead I’ll just blame it on the fact that I fucking hate idiots and – having worked in a couple of shops – know exactly what these pricks complaining look, sound and smell like.

“I bought this phone and I don’t want it.”

“When did you buy it?”

“February 10th.”

“Okay, it’s the 12th so you’ve had it less than a week, so I can refund you. Can I have your receipt please?”

*hands receipt over*

“Umm… this receipt is two days old, yes. Two days and a year old. You cannot return the phone.”

“Why not?! This is ridiculous! WAH WAH WAH ENTITLED WAH RIGHTS WAH!”

Balls, my example actually seems to have drawn from the ‘why working in a shop was shit (but amazing at the same time)’ pile. I do apologise. I’ll do a proper entry on that one day. For now though: Don’t give them the opportunity to have some kind of critical evaluation of any product ever. They are fools and deserve no such privilege.

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