Newcastle: the definitive review (7/10)

Arriving for my second overnight stay in Newcastle (known locally as “New ass hole”) I was greeted by a familiar sight: a Burger King. This is because Burger King is an international chain of burger ‘restaurants’ that produce things like The Whopper (not a penis). Away from the place with its spray-on flame-grilled taste, there was actually a northern city there too. One I’ve been to before and one I attempted to convince my comrades in travel was actually pretty darn good.

Having the weather described as sunny, only to arrive to what can only be called “cold and grey” is always going to be a disappointment. But when I’ve described somewhere as ‘good’, I don’t expect us to be immediately driven through a hideous industrial estate, past some of the glummest-looking shops known to man and within striking distance of no less than three different chip vans. Still, it’s certainly a novelty – and who would honestly say no to a chipmobile being available on most streets? Only a moron, clearly. Or one of those anti-chip lobbyists who hate potato freedom so much.

But the nightlife was where the city of Brown Ale and Mauve Lager would get back up to speed and show people that it was indeed a Geordie force to be reckoned with. Or something. It wasn’t even 8pm and there were already trolleyed harpies hardly wearing dresses, squawking nonsensical aural hieroglyphics at our taxi driver through a look of complete, pissed-up glory. What a fine city. The night progressed pretty much as you would expect: food, nattering, wine, beer, ending up in a club when I’m tired and just not in the mood and standing around looking angry for a couple of hours before demanding to leave, hating all music ever, despairing at haircuts (especially mine)… wait, this has veered off a review of the city. Hmm. Newcastle: it meant we got to have dinner with the bloke who made Shadow of the Beast. That’s all you need to know.

Oh, and the shower at the hotel was verging on excellent, only being let down by certain mobility issues and poor drainage by the plug. So well done there, Jury Inn.


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