Well, I started it so I’m going to finish it. Who knows, maybe it’ll get funnier this time? Or actually be funny. We can but try.
Slovenia: Tired of being mixed up with neighbours and soundalikes Slovakia, it will be the Slovenian national football team that puts in motion the first steps towards changing the name of the country to something more individual. For their second and third group games – and no more, as they won’t get past this stage – the team will wear a newly-designed strip with the country’s name as ‘The Mega-Republic of Tittybumnia’. There’s no saying how popular this will prove.
USA: The USA will be eliminated… *snigger*… after they think they can play in pads… *titter*… and use bats to hit the ball… *giggle*… and use the wrong terms to describe the action, like “shut-out” and “overtime”… *guffaw*… and something about hoops and basketball shorts… *laugh*… THE STUPID COLONIALS.
England: Will undoubtedly disappoint, seeing as it’s impossible to live up to the expectations of a nation of complete morons, such are those who inhabit this very nation. Shaun Wright-Phillips will probably play again. This will prove, once more, that there is no god. Out in the quarters.
Algeria: After a quick blast on the FIFA World Cup game, the Algerian coach Rabah Saadane will adopt a similar strategy to anyone playing as the Algerians in the game do: pass it to Belhadj. It won’t be as successful in real life.
Ghana: The nation will collectively tire of ITV’s constant replays of Marcel Desailly’s celebration of Ghana’s goal against Serbia. This ‘tiring’ will manifest itself first in the national team withdrawing themselves from the tournament and will soon spiral into scenes of civil unrest, culminating in all-out civil war. ITV will continue to play replays of Desailly’s celebration.
Germany: Will shock the world by proving they are indeed a more than competent footballing nation, able of carrying off a technical passing game with as much care and attention as the true greats on the world stage… oh, no, wait – wrong country. That was the text for Zaire.
Australia: Will remain in that strange position in the minds of everyone where nobody sees the point in putting any Aussie players in their fantasy league team. Even though Tim Cahill is good and Marco Bresciano was quite good on Football Manager once, there just won’t be anything the… sigh… “Socceroos” will be able to do to convince the general public there’s any point in having their players in fantasy sides.
Serbia: Poor performances will eventually be revealed to be a result of Serbia as a whole missing its old lover, Montenegro. Like many break-ups, it won’t have been immediately evident to anyone else but it has actually had a huge effect on everyone even slightly associated with Serbia. The news will make everyone in the world cry. And Serbia will do fuck all in the World Cup.
Well, yes I am tempted to abandon this. But, then, it is two more easy entries. Ah, thinking/writing out loud.