Alliance & Leicester is fucking shit

I don’t know what the fuck the problem is with banks, but I really need to have a word with their mother because it’s really starting to annoy me how shit they are.

I don’t understand why in this modern, 24-hour culture, we are not privy to banks opening every day. I do not understand why transactions which are done via computers, electronic transfers and little planets in wires cannot be carried out over weekends. I do not understand why a cheque needs “up to” five days to go through. This kind of shit should be instant.

I do not understand why a £100 transfer I made from one account to the other on Sunday seems to have fallen off the radar and been forgotten about. From HSBC to Alliance & Leicester? Instant. Other way? Magical disappearing money.

I recently made the huge mistake of opening an account with Alliance & Leicester (which was changed to a Santander account within weeks, without prior warning, seeing my sort code and account number change completely) as I was drawn in my better rates on overdraft and a £100 bribe to switch to them. I now know why they have to pay people to join them.

I could run a bank better than this bunch of fucking muppets, and I’m only capable of maths at an intermediate level. I think I would succeed, mind, as I am aware of some other things. Namely that your internet banking shouldn’t look like it was invented in 1838 and hasn’t been upgraded since. I would point out that – as you’re operating with an online presence – you might want to let your customers contact you via email or online help forms.

I would also suggest you hire more than the seemingly one member of staff you have in your call centres, seeing as even at 9.30pm I’ve been on hold for about 20 minutes already. And it’s costing me money, you absolute scumbags. If I could email you, I would do so, that would be it. Your one solitary member of staff, Clive, would be able to email me back in good time, and I wouldn’t have to “please carry on holding” for the better part of fuck knows how long.

Of course, these are probably just stupid decisions. I mean, what do I know? I’ve never been bought out by a bunch of Spaniards before.

UPDATE: 35 minutes. 35 fucking minutes, to be told “oh, it must not have worked”. Well done, Alliance & Leicester: you operate a broken system that’s supposed to be looking after people’s finances. I’m going to request all my direct debits etc return to HSBC in the near future. I’d email you and tell you this, but… well, y’know.

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1 Comment

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One response to “Alliance & Leicester is fucking shit

  1. I think they’re running systems based on the original Babbage Difference Engine. Despite 7 (SEVEN)* visits they still don’t have my address correct and still truncate the building name so my mail disappears over the event horizon. At least I didn’t try to give them money to store in the account. Only a fool would attempt that! 😉

    * The old BBC Grandstand** Teleprinter used to print the word seven in brackets because the 7 looked a bit like a 1 in the font they used. As a result this became the official HUMILIATION score in football.

    ** http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ew1-FVgre-I

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