An open letter to the Met

Dear Police,

I hope this letter reaches you well, and doesn’t end up at Sting’s house again by accident – that was an embarrassing mishap!

I am just writing to let you know that I am proud of you, and incredibly happy with what you are doing for our fine nation. I recently read in the Daily Express that some horrible hooligans were trying to burn down the Queen so they could put immigrants in her house (which is a nicely decorated house!). I do not know what Chew-ish Urn means, but it sounds like one of those pot-frenzies these tearaways have together underneath their hoodies during knife crime.

Anyway, I lost my train of brain-splattering there. I was congratulating you, so I shall continue: well done for treating these ruffians the way they deserve to be treated. Just because they face a future of incredibly limited access to one of the cornerstones of civilisation as we know it, that doesn’t mean they can put spray paint on a van! It’s a disgusting sign of the times, caused mainly through not enough respect for God, the Queen and country, and the way they all do a drug.

So it was with great pleasure I watched you intimidate this gang of youngsters. I heard somebody say a fair few there were just children, and that the protest was “peaceful” – whatever that means! – but I think he was just a member of the Loony Left and probably reads a the chin-stroker’s digest (that is my funny name that I give to the Guardian newspaper).

It is clear for any right-thinking member of British society to see that these louts were on the verge of something truly nasty. In fact, I’ve been told by another source – the Daily Mail – that some of them made remarks that could have been construed as positive about the EU! What a lark!

So, in summary: the Police. Thank you for threatening, intimidating, beating, bullying and generally taking away the civil liberties of everyone who has been a part of these protests recently. It’s good old-fashioned behaviour like that that stops us from devolving into something like France.

Yours,

Duncan Tittybums

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2 Comments

Filed under Prattle

2 responses to “An open letter to the Met

  1. Gem

    Nice use of exclamation marks, Tittybums!

    P.S. The correct spelling is ‘Grauniad’

    • Dear “Gem”,

      Is this more of your “youth” “humour”????? I have two very capable, working eyes thanks to a nice young Polish doctor at the nearby NHS hospital – he’s alright and it’s good when the service helps me, but I do wish they’d keep immigrants out of the country and stop poor people from being a burden on the health services.

      Anyway, I can clearly see it says “Guardian”. Maybe you have been “tweaking” too many “pots” and it has “addled” your so-called “brain”.

      Thank you for your time,

      Reginald Tittybums

      P.S. I changed my name.

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