It would seem I have found a way to supplant the mind-numbing emptiness I feel to the very depths of my soul* – exercise! See, a few months ago we decided on my magazine that I would take on the challenge of giving EA Sports Active 2 the GREATEST REVIEW OF ALL TIME, by playing it constantly for months and updating readers on how things were going.
In case you’re unaware/can’t figure it out, Active is a fitness program for gaming consoles. It has motion detectors, heart beat monitors and all that shit, as well as virtual fitness instructors to bellow at you. It’s expensive, but it didn’t cost me a penny so what the fuck do I care? Ahem.
Anyway, things didn’t get off to the best of starts, to the point that now – two and a bit months into the experiment – I was still writing the column as ‘month one’ owing to the fact I hadn’t taken the game out of its box. Now I have. And I did a 27-minute introductory workout on medium, the first of a nine-week program to help me be less fat, or something.
Turns out, as luck would have it, I’m really unfit and any regulated exercise that’s meant to actually get your heart going and make you sweat fucks me up something rotten. About 15 minutes in I could barely do its stupid little bunny hops it was demanding I do. The bastard. Plus the banging and bumping in my room from me jumping and running on the spot and the like must have made my housemates think I was shagging a rhino. I wasn’t – she dumped me, remember? BA DUM TISH.
Oh come on, that was quite funny. No? Too soon? IT’S MY WAY OF DEALING WITH IT. Not accepting that as a valid excuse? Hmm. Drat.
Anywho, this made me realise that not only am I massively unfit and probably going to die aged 30 from a coronary megaheartblast, but that I can distract my brain from its recent stupidity by running on the spot in my room for a bit. Oh, and getting to the point where I’m so sweaty my skin is literally slick.
Just thought I’d give you that thought before bedtime. Enjoy your dreams!
*”Need for a poo”