As I have now owned my new phone – an HTC Desire HD, thanks for asking – I am officially registered as an Android expert. Android, of course, not being the OS the phone uses like most thing, but what the phone itself actually is. If you piss it off enough, oh it’ll let you know. It’ll get Roy Batty all up in yo’ ass.

Anyway, as an expert I can offer these few tips for all of you plebeians out there who clearly don’t know how to do anything at all because you’re so monumentally stupid (and I hate you). Sit back, relax and try to make your brain take some of this on board without falling into an Information Overdrive Coma (real medical condition, look it up*).

1. It is a phone
Hard to believe, I know, what with it being the same size as a reasonably-sized canoe – but the Desire HD is indeed a phone. I know this because some twerp from my bank rang me on it to ask if the money I’d recently been spending was being spent by me.

2. It is not a canoe
See above.

3. It uses a “touch” “screen”
This is where it gets technical, so the luddites out there might want to cover their ears. Eyes. Face. Whatever. Basically, there are tiny little fairies that love being tickled hiding behind the screen. You can’t see them. Tickle them and they’ll read your mind and make the canoe (EDIT: “phone”) do whatever you want it to. Within reason. It can’t become a T-Rex, for example.

4. You can get Angry Birds for free on it
But then, who really cares about that apart from numbskulls? Nobody, that’s who. No – shush – nobody.

5. It should not be used as a hammer
Fortunately I realised this pretty quickly, so the damage is only minor. Though the nail is still decidedly un-hammered. Bastard thing. Mocking me.

6. I’m going to end this now and go back to FM2011
Because YEAH.

I hope you’ve learned something today.

*If you look this up, I hate you more.


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