I am a fan of animals, as animals are great and you don’t have to be sociable or reason with them or anything – and yet they still love you. Dogs is the best, naturally, but there is other animals in the world, isn’t there. Is is is.
Turns out that BBC2 has decided to devote a programme, on right now, to the worst animal in the world. Yes, even worse than sharks. Yes, even worse than spiders – though spiders are pretty horrible. Of course, it’s snakes. Fucking devils, those little shits are, and they get a show devoted to some ageing hippy (who reminds me a great deal of The Dude) going around India looking for them, so he can milk them (for venom, not milk*).
Where’s my show? I don’t slither around tea plantations biting elderly Indian women, like the little fuckers on this show do. I’m not even green, meaning rather than looking unripe I look like a real thing. Obviously some of them aren’t green, but they’re just even bigger dickheads because they won’t acknowledge how horrible and shit they are. Show off dillweeds.
I mean, what’s the point in bothering? I can understand the need to harvest venom – to get antivenom, in order to be able to cure those fucked up by their shitty venomific ways. Fair enough. But I have a better solution: it involves gathering up all the snakes in the world, bundling them up ala a giant rubber band ball, rolling it into a pit of fire, covering it up with a big lid and then blowing it up with all the remaining nuclear warheads in the world.
This doesn’t all just come from me being scared of them. I swear. You can’t prove anything. SCREW YOU.
*Would you drink snake milk? Would you bollocks.