The past was better. Everything was made of gammon. Or something.

The more powerful our phones become, the more they become like computers. The more like computers they become, the more problems they can conceivably suffer from. Annoying, stupid problems that make me want to stab. Like how I’ve been sat here for ten minutes trying to make my messaging application work. It won’t.

I long for the time of the past, when things were simpler, when MMSes grew on trees and everyone gaily skipped around imitating Dom Joly (back when he pretended to be a comedian, and didn’t just act as a gambling conduit). When phones were made out of cardboard and were the size of things that are smaller than current-day smartphones. And before that they were bigger again. I am confused.

Anyway, a time when they didn’t have buttons, but would always know who to dial simply through the power of love. Huey Lewis made a killing back then. When we rang people they would always be happy to hear us, and would always immediately give us one thing we’ve always wanted just to show us how happy they were that we’d bothered to call them. When you pressed things, they worked. In fact, they didn’t just work – they worked so hard you would think they were all German*.

I remember those days. When you were bored of your phone you could eat it, as the cardboard they were made from was actually delicious chocolate. Not that anybody ever bothered to check this, as they never broke. They were better days.

Though admittedly my memory isn’t what it used to be.

*Shameless appeal to the Top Gear crowd.

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