I’ve tried, but I’ve failed

I’m not willing to admit defeat just yet, but I can feel it getting closer. It’s there, behind me. I can feel its presence. Hear it breathing. But it hasn’t taken me down, and I won’t go down easily. I honestly don’t know if I’ll prevail – I’ve been trying to make things work out for months now, but I just don’t seem to be making progress. But I will not give up. Ever. Until I am dead, possibly. Or until I give up.

I’m talking, of course, about touch screen controls for more old-fashioned games on the iPad. Specifically, Speedball 2. The kinds of games that need a joystick/pad and buttons to play, and so have them overlaid on the screen you are playing on. I just can’t do them properly.

I’ve had the iPad for a couple of months now and I’ve tried all manner of games. Tilt control ones annoy me but if they work well enough, it’s okay. Those made with touchscreens in mind from day one are, naturally, nigh-on perfect. Though I do find my massive gammon hands getting in the way a bit much. But it’s those that rely on an old-fashioned input method that just screw me up, and try as I might I just can’t get it perfect.

I’m not a douchebag from the planet Idiototron IX – I can play these damn things. It just doesn’t feel right. I need clicking, resistance, physical boundaries. Without all of that, I can see myself living a very lonely life, ultimately dying unfulfilled and forgotten.

No, wait – I can see myself remaining unconvinced by the ‘overlay’ control schemes on some iPad games. That’s what I meant.



Filed under Prattle

5 responses to “I’ve tried, but I’ve failed

  1. Ash

    Get one of these then. Sorted.

      • Ash

        Also a good choice.

        You’re right though. Chair got it exactly right with their GDC speech when they said if your game design would work well with a control pad, you’re doing it wrong.

      • I would’ve gone into it more, but I couldn’t be bothered. Basically, yes – stop bringing out games designed for a different control scheme, you plums.

        Though I’m always open to Speedball 2 re-releases.

  2. This is exactly how I feel. I need resistance. HOWEVER: I recommend you try Dodonpachi Resurrection or Espgaluda II from CAVE. They’re traditional shoot ’em ups and the touch controls actually work really well for once. There are Lite versions available to try too as they’re not cheap (for App Store games anyway) but a few minutes was enough to convince me to buy one — Dodonpachi in my case.

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