I’m 27 and I still watch wrestling. Wanna fight about it? Anyway, it’s terrible – really, it is – but I still love it. The best thing about it is the breadth and depth of the characters we find in wrasslin’ across the world. They’re always so deep, so well fleshed-out and the kinds of characters you just couldn’t find anywhere else. They’re too complex.
But to challenge myself, I have decided to invent a few characters and offer them up to the wrasslin’ organisations out there. Free of charge, I just ask that I’m credited with the invention to feed my burgeoning ego. I’m not sure I’ll be able to really hit the heights that wrestling characters have hit in the past – I’m simply not smart enough – but I’m going to give it a go.
Name: Doctor Madsaneo
Taunt: “An apple a day keeps I’M GOING TO PUNCH YOU.”
Bio: You might think that Doctor Madsaneo is your friend, like all doctors are, BUT YOU WOULD BE WRONG. Why? Because he is mad and he is insane and it will make you go ‘oh’. MADSANEO. They never see it coming.
Finishing move: Socialist healthcare (N.B. will be popular ‘bad guy’ finisher to 95% of your audience)
Name: Badolf Gitler
Taunt: A Nazi salute but with his left hand (N.B. will be popular/imitated taunt with 95% of your audience)
Bio: Modelled after.. umm… Charlie Chaplin… yeah… Chaplin… this BAD DUDE comes to the ring in military garb and waves a flag that’s from another country. Basically that’s enough to make everyone in the crowd hate him, as they always – rightly – despise foreigners.
Finishing move: Gunshot wound to the head (N.B. could prove tricky to fake in live shows)
Name: Andrew Merican
Taunt: A firm handshake, while maintaining eye contact
Bio: Representative of all that is Good and Right in the world, Andrew Merican would be ideal as a ‘good guy’ character. He would, like Gitler, carry a flag to the ring – only this would be the correct piece of material in whatever country he’s located in (also his name can change: Barry Ritain, Gerald Ermany, Austin Ralia etc).
Finishing move: The economic sanction (N.B. never works – always followed by excessive force)
Taunt: Pretending he’s an aeroplane.
Bio: Eugene has a mental illness leading him to behave like a child when he is in fact a fully grown man. He gets super-strength when he’s angry or upset though, so those ‘bad guys’ had better watch out! He is meant to offer the crowd a sympathetic character they can relate to and thus expand their minds when it comes to how they treat the mentally handicapped. Instead they just laugh at the ‘retard’ (their words not mine).
Finishing move: Hilariously copies opponent’s finisher (N.B. will be laughed at by 95% of your audience).
I reckon that’s enough to net me a writing gig at the WWE.
N.B. One of these is actually a real character. Just put it in there as a test for y’all.