There is an advert where a bottle of Oasis has sex with a scotch egg.
This is the kind of thing that confuses me. One, because it’s horrible and shit. Two, because if I was in advertising it’s the kind of thing I would suggest. I would never be enough of a prick to make a car or perfume advert, and I’m not quite enough of a misanthropic twerp to make such a hateful piece of shite as the Halifax adverts. Especially everyone’s favourite ISA ISA baby one. Which I’ve just thought about and am now sadder than I was mere minutes ago.
But a bottle of still, fruit-based soft drink making whoopee with breaded sausage meat wrapped around a boiled egg? Yep, that sounds like me. Though oddly it didn’t make me want Oasis at all, it just made me have a massive craving for a scotch egg. Which is fair, as scotch eggs are brilliance personified.
So here are a couple more ideas to advertise certain popular products. I’ve definitely planned this in advance and not just decided upon doing it right now.
A beaver, driving a tractor, runs over a shepherd. The slogan flies at the screen, possibly in 3D, saying: “BEANS ARE BETTER THAN BEING KILLED”.
A donkey wearing rollerblades falls off a small ledge, landing on top of a shed.
A cocktail sausage in a hammock hovers into an A&E ward and is immediately confronted by a stressed-looking nurse. She slaps the sausage out of the hammock, feasts on its unconscious body and lies down in the now-empty floating hammock. Then Rupert Murdoch instructs his newsreaders and papers to talk shit, or something. SATIRE.
Tropicana orange juice
The Moon explodes, and a man watching said Moon explode says to his friend: “I want some gammon”. Fade to black.
Whoever made the Oasis advert should clearly give me a job now.