I think it’s about time for me to reveal some top culinary tips for all you foodies out there. Now I’m not a professional chef – though you might think otherwise after reading my recipes – but I have picked up a few tips and tricks I’m ready to dole out to you poor schlebs. Let me take you on a food odyssey…
I should point out at this juncture that all of these concoctions are real, I do make them all fairly regularly and they are all – as far as I’m concerned – delicious. Read into that what you will. I just subscribe to the ‘do what the fuck you want’ school of food preparation, even if I am bad and unimaginative in the kitchen.
Ryvita ala gravy – serves one
Don’t worry – I’m not talking about using the gravy as a dipping sauce, though that would be the best idea ever. No, what I recommend is getting a dry slice of Ryvita and instead of buttering or whatevering it up, simply sprinkling some dry gravy granules on it. With just a small pinch you can turn a dry, humdrum rye crispbread into a dry humdrum rye crispbread that tastes vaguely of beef. The ideal snack.
Cumin, chilli and hot sauce in beans, mixed with either pasta or rice
The recipe here is self-explanatory, no need for fancy names, but the method in which the mixing is carried out does need some confirmation. First, open your tin of beans. Second, put all the stuff in the tin with the beans. Third, mix with a spoon. Then add to cooked rice or pasta. Genius!
One of my absolute favourites and a classic for the ages. First you should prepare mashed potato in the normal fashion you prepare it – I’ll leave that up to you. Once the mash is mashed up and still in the pan, you should add beans and whatever the hell else you want. Stir it up over heat for a few minutes (keep stirring to stop the mixture from sticking to the pan!!!!!) and serve in a bowl. It may look like the vomit of a monkey, but it tastes jumbo delish!
Pot Noodle sandwich
When you’re feeling flush this is the only way to truly enjoy God’s Own favourite pot-based noodle snack. Prepare PN (“PN” is a shortened version of “Pot Noodle”, thus saving space in this here description and meaning I don’t have to waffle on for as long), leave to stand for a few minutes, then pour on bread and attempt to eat. AMAZING! You can also substitute PNs for Super Noodles if you’re as rich as The Queen.
One of the greatest foods of all time, but one we very much take for granted. See, right now I am unfortunate on two counts. One, I do not buy bread very often. Two, I do not have a toaster. You can see the conundrum this causes. But when you are willing, able and have adequate equipment and supplies, toast with butter/marg/vegetable spread/whatever is one of the best things ever.
SUBSTITUTE ALL MEALS WITH CLEMENTINES.
Treat your tastebuds to a wonderful holiday – of food!