Monthly Archives: April 2011

GENTLEMEN: THE QUEEN

I don’t particularly care much for the royal family. Am I supposed to upper caseify that? I don’t care, because I’m totally like a rebel and shit. This whole bollocks about the wedding is, as I’m sure to many other people, nothing of actual interest – it’s just a free day off.

It’s bollocks that we’re meant to actually care about this in any real way, and it’s naturally just being used as a marketing ploy by every fucking snake in the grass marketing prick in the world.

Though I do want some royal wedding tat. You know where to send it, kids.

But I’m not completely against them there royals existing. I mean, I see very little point in them beyond encouraging tourism. I do not buy into the notion of tradition at all, but then that’s just crazy old me and my wacky ways of not… buying into the whole notion of tradition.

Traditions change, after all, so why are any traditions more important than others? Why are ones still ongoing more important than ones that were forgotten? It’s an arbitrary value judgement on something that – a lot of the time – just doesn’t matter.

I put the royal family in that bracket. But I don’t actively want them to disappear, unless they do something I really disagree with*.

Still, it’s not like I care enough to demand they are dissolved and/or killed. Plus my Union Flag with a picture of the Queen on it was one of the best things I have ever bought for any of my rooms. Gentlemen: the Queen!

Yes, I’m watching that thing on Channel 4 right now. And yes, it’s rubbish.

*Harry dressing as a Nazi was funny, as is most of the stuff Prince Phillip says.

Leave a comment

Filed under Prattle

Some non-thought anti-entry that mentions skiing

Just turned BBC2 on and there was something about some blokes – LADS – doing some kind of winter sports thing. I have no idea what it was, though my powers have lead me to believe it was some kind of winter sports thing. It didn’t look twatty, and actually made me smirk at one point in the brief time I saw it. Yet I still reacted negatively to it. Because it was some kind of winter sports thing, which makes me think of things like skiing, which gives me an irrational hate-reaction.

Anyone else get that kind of instant reaction when they think, hear or smell about skiing? Or snowboarding? Or any of those other middle class pursuits you were never involved in as a child because you had to holiday in the Costa Del Cheap and you’re definitely not jealous of skiing nor do you think the people who go skiing a lot are the kind of people you tend to… oh.

I’ll stop that.

I’ve never been skiing. I have no real urge to, as I have weak knees and a weak ankle. Also because I hate people who go skiing… no, I mean… I don’t hate. The other thing. Oh, I don’t know. I have a headache.

Leave a comment

Filed under Prattle

Funny or die

I have odd personality quirks. This may not come as a surprise if you are human, seeing as we all have odd personality quirks. Apart from the terminal dullards out there who should probably just kill themselves and give us people with something going on in our heads a bit more room to be ‘unique’ (‘unique’ often translates as ‘twatty’).

Alright, maybe not kill themselves, that’s a bit far. Just chop a hand off or something, then at least you’ve got an interesting story to tell people. Get a hook too. Double-story. Thank me later.

Anyway, one thing about my personality, beyond the shocking lack of confidence, the oft-unbridled aggression based on the smallest of provocation, the inability to take most things seriously and the massive ability to get repeatedly dumped for no good god damn reason is that I think I am funny. I do. In fact, I’d go so far as to say I know I’m funny. But that’s not actually the thing – the thing is as follows: if you do not laugh at what I say, I am very likely to out and out dislike you.

I don’t mean you have to laugh at every word, or even 23% of my japist wit. A snigger or a smirk lets you off the hook. I notice. I remember. And if you sit there stony faced I simply do not like you. Why? I don’t actually know, but I’m willing to bet it’s because it makes you come across as either humourless (meaning you actually might as well be dead) or too thick to get what I’m on about (see previous parenthesis for solution to this problem).

Yes, I’m actually being mildly arrogant here. Let me run with it for once. I’m aware it’s a bit weird, but there you go. Weirdness is interesting, so fuck you you judgemental twerps.

4 Comments

Filed under Prattle

Waffley versatile

I have a little freezer in my fridge. It has been frozen over since I moved down here. I tried once to hack the ice out, but didn’t make much progress. Today I set upon it with a hammer to try and devastate its stupid monkey face. I made more progress than hackageddon, but less than I would have hoped. Turns out ice is more resilient than I gave it credit for. Don’t know what those global warming fools are on about – if anything ice is evil, and is definitely trying to take over the world.

It must be stopped.

Anyway, while sipping on my can of Coke I discovered abandoned in the fridge, I came to the realisation that I’m probably better off without a freezer. What would I do with it? Fill it with Birdseye Potato Waffles, that’s what. And maybe some peas. Not having a freezer avoids the simple, BEIGE foods temptation and forces me to get fresher stuff, which tends to be better for you.

So well done not having a freezer. Though I suppose I could just store waffles in the fridge. It’s not like they’re instantly going to go off. Just have a week or so to eat them. Nom nom nom. I want waffles now.

I can hear you all screaming “but Ian! You liar! You can use the main freezer in the house’s shared kitchen!” and you would be right to scream that at me. At the same time you’d also be a douchbag from hell, as you clearly don’t understand I want to keep my time in the communal areas of this house to an absolute minimum. Otherwise I run the risk of having a conversation with that thing that lives here.

And that would be a fate worse than the evil ice taking over the world.

Bet you’re glad you get two of these today.

Leave a comment

Filed under Prattle

My new-old look: you decide (warning: contains six photos of Ian)

I’ve been very nostalgic in recent months, as you may have picked up from the fact I’m constantly going on about how nostalgic I’ve been in recent months. Part of this involves looking through old photos, of which I have about a thousand or something. They’re mainly terrible, but also absolutely wonderful at the same time.

Anyway, I have decided to change my image – something I’ve never consciously done before. But instead of reinventing myself and going new, I’m going to delve into my past and find something old to ‘be’. Re-Ian, if you will. I now present to you the options for which I demand you vote:

Option one: Ian + dog circa 2008


Option two: Ian with broken finger squeezing girl’s face because it genuinely felt like Play Doh circa late 2004


Option three: Ian with a weird chinny beard looking smug and/or hammered circa 2005


Option four: Ian responding to his adoring internet critics via widely-circulated video statement (this is a press shot for the event) circa 2006


Option five: Ian in a tiny tank top showing off his bufftitude (also with no fat) circa early 2004


Secret favourite option six: Ian being a miserable twat in Belgium circa… umm… 1999?


The choice is yours – get to the polls.

4 Comments

Filed under Prattle

Dransfield’s Top Culinary Tips

I think it’s about time for me to reveal some top culinary tips for all you foodies out there. Now I’m not a professional chef – though you might think otherwise after reading my recipes – but I have picked up a few tips and tricks I’m ready to dole out to you poor schlebs. Let me take you on a food odyssey…

I should point out at this juncture that all of these concoctions are real, I do make them all fairly regularly and they are all – as far as I’m concerned – delicious. Read into that what you will. I just subscribe to the ‘do what the fuck you want’ school of food preparation, even if I am bad and unimaginative in the kitchen.

Ryvita ala gravy – serves one
Don’t worry – I’m not talking about using the gravy as a dipping sauce, though that would be the best idea ever. No, what I recommend is getting a dry slice of Ryvita and instead of buttering or whatevering it up, simply sprinkling some dry gravy granules on it. With just a small pinch you can turn a dry, humdrum rye crispbread into a dry humdrum rye crispbread that tastes vaguely of beef. The ideal snack.

Cumin, chilli and hot sauce in beans, mixed with either pasta or rice
The recipe here is self-explanatory, no need for fancy names, but the method in which the mixing is carried out does need some confirmation. First, open your tin of beans. Second, put all the stuff in the tin with the beans. Third, mix with a spoon. Then add to cooked rice or pasta. Genius!

Monkey vomit-mash
One of my absolute favourites and a classic for the ages. First you should prepare mashed potato in the normal fashion you prepare it – I’ll leave that up to you. Once the mash is mashed up and still in the pan, you should add beans and whatever the hell else you want. Stir it up over heat for a few minutes (keep stirring to stop the mixture from sticking to the pan!!!!!) and serve in a bowl. It may look like the vomit of a monkey, but it tastes jumbo delish!

Pot Noodle sandwich
When you’re feeling flush this is the only way to truly enjoy God’s Own favourite pot-based noodle snack. Prepare PN (“PN” is a shortened version of “Pot Noodle”, thus saving space in this here description and meaning I don’t have to waffle on for as long), leave to stand for a few minutes, then pour on bread and attempt to eat. AMAZING! You can also substitute PNs for Super Noodles if you’re as rich as The Queen.

Toast
One of the greatest foods of all time, but one we very much take for granted. See, right now I am unfortunate on two counts. One, I do not buy bread very often. Two, I do not have a toaster. You can see the conundrum this causes. But when you are willing, able and have adequate equipment and supplies, toast with butter/marg/vegetable spread/whatever is one of the best things ever.

Clementines
SUBSTITUTE ALL MEALS WITH CLEMENTINES.

Treat your tastebuds to a wonderful holiday – of food!

2 Comments

Filed under Prattle

A belated and not at all worthy tribute to Kurt Vonnegut Jr.

What better way to celebrate the life of a deceased author than to make it about myself? None, that’s what. Yesterday marked the fourth anniversary of the death of Kurt Vonnegut. He wrote Slaughterhouse Five. That’s pretty much my favourite book. And I’ve never read anything of his I didn’t like. Hence why when I heard of his death all those years ago I had to go and have a sit down, as it upset me more than the death of anyone or anything else I have ever known. If that makes me a bad person, so be it.

I don’t think he’s the best writer out there, but he is certainly my favourite. While his message can be convoluted – as a stylistic choice – and go left, right, up, down, backwards and forwards on itself, it still has a simplistic quality that shouldn’t be overlooked. It’s hard work to distil a message down to its core components, but Vonnegut always did that. For me, at least.

I don’t know if I copy him in that regard – I don’t know if I’m skilled at getting across a simple message in what is seemingly the most confusing manner possible (even though it’s actually quite simple). I might do in some ways, but it certainly isn’t something I’ve noticed. What I have noticed is my ripping off of his use of repetition.

Vonnegut often repeated little turns of phrase, little slogans, sayings and remarks. He would repeat them as the narrator. He would repeat them via the main character. He would repeat them through whichever fictional religious organisation he had concocted in order to lampoon the very real religious organisations out there. Repetition is said to be bad in writing. Vonnegut was one example of why that is such a bullshit opinion, and I think – if anything – the correct, intentional, sometimes funny use of repetition is the one thing I have taken from my distant, book-reading relationship with Kurt Vonnegut.

Seeing as it’s one of the few things I actually like about my writing, I’d have to say that’s a decent thing to take from the man. And not to end on the least original ending ever, but you really do have to: so it goes.

What better way to celebrate the life of a deceased author than to make it about myself? None, that’s what. Yesterday marked the fourth anniversary of the death of Kurt Vonnegut. He wrote Slaughterhouse Five. That’s pretty much my favourite book. And I’ve never read anything of his I didn’t like. Hence why when I heard of his death all those years ago I had to go and have a sit down, as it upset me more than the death of anyone or anything else I have ever known. If that makes me a bad person, so be it.

I don’t think he’s the best writer out there, but he is certainly my favourite. While his message can be convoluted – as a stylistic choice – and go left, right, up, down, backwards and forwards on itself, it still has a simplistic quality that shouldn’t be overlooked. It’s hard work to distil a message down to its core components, but Vonnegut always did that. For me, at least.

I don’t know if I copy him in that regard – I don’t know if I’m skilled at getting across a simple message in what is seemingly the most confusing manner possible (even though it’s actually quite simple). I might do in some ways, but it certainly isn’t something I’ve noticed. What I have noticed is my ripping off of his use of repetition.

Vonnegut often repeated little turns of phrase, little slogans, sayings and remarks. He would repeat them as the narrator. He would repeat them via the main character. He would repeat them through whichever fictional religious organisation he had concocted in order to lampoon the very real religious organisations out there. Repetition is said to be bad in writing. Vonnegut was one example of why that is such a bullshit opinion, and I think – if anything – the correct, intentional, sometimes funny use of repetition is the one thing I have taken from my distant, book-reading relationship with Kurt Vonnegut.

Seeing as it’s one of the few things I actually like about my writing, I’d have to say that’s a decent thing to take from the man. And not to end on the least original ending ever, but you really do have to: so it goes.

1. Find a subject you care about.
2. Do not ramble, though.
3. Keep it simple.
4. Have the guts to cut.
5. Sound like yourself.
6. Say what you mean to say.
7. Pity the readers.

3 Comments

Filed under Prattle