I watched Predator yesterday. I watched Predator 2 today. Tomorrow I’ll probably watch Predators (unless I watch it this evening). As such I am currently the most experty expert on the topic of the alien hunting machine known as the Predator, and as such I am going to list some ways in which I would not only survive an encounter with one of the big, dreadlocked bastards, but how I would make it bleed.
Because, you know, if it bleeds we can kill it.
Drop my gun, put my hands up, start crying, wet myself
Then, when the bastard thinks I’m poor sport I’d totally kill the shit out of him with the secret gun I forgot to mention I had. HaHA!
Cover myself in mud, wear a heat-proof space suit thing, not carry any weapons and don’t be Gary Busey
That way I’m guaranteed to survive any encounter. Admittedly I wouldn’t be able to kill it like I promised, but fuck you. I’m scared and I want it to go away, so I’m very much surviving like the fittest in this situation.
Make sure it’s one of Paul WS Anderson’s Predators
While the original beasts are nimble yet ferocious beasts, imposing in size and dominant in battle, the Predators created by Paul WS Anderson for his abortion of a film Aliens vs Predator were not quite up to that level. Basically they were fat and died easily. If I was to fight one of Paul’s Predators, I’d probably be able to win. Genuinely. Armed with little more than a wooden spoon.
Throw Paul WS Anderson at it
Then, naturally, stay to watch it tear his spinal column out. It’s like porn, in a way. I reckon it would then blow itself up, as its work on earth would clearly be done with.
Lots of hammers.
Hire Sean Bean
I don’t know why, I just get the feeling Seen Been would either be able to distract the Predator by talking in a thick Yorkshire accent, or he’d be able to kill it. With swords, most likely.
Definite vein of logic running through this whole entry, yes indeedy.