Judgement day, part II

I thought the war was over. I’d forgotten it had ever happened. Well, that’s not true. There are some things you just can’t forget. Some images burned into the recesses of you mind forever, always popping back up when you least expect it. They haunt you. Remind you of what happened – of what you did. We like to think we have a tight grip – some element of control to what we think; how we react.

But we don’t. And the memories never fade. You just get used to dealing with it. You become complacent, and justify it to yourself. “It had to be done,” you’ll say, “it just had to be done.” And for a time you can make yourself believe that. You buy into a self-facilitated delusion, and for a time it makes everything feel alright. For a time.

But the world has a funny way of reminding you.

I thought they were gone forever. I thought I had won. I wasn’t proud of myself, but it was for the greater good. I had learned to deal with my guilt – my grief – at the massacre that had unfolded by my hand. I suddenly understood just what the Mahattan Project scientists must have gone through, knowing their actions wrought untold destruction on thousands of innocent lives. I understood, because I too had done the same thing.

It was a massacre. A genocide. They didn’t stand a chance. I had won, but the victory had cost more than I ever expected it to. I left a piece of my soul on that battlefield, and sometimes I would argue with myself that maybe they were the true victors. After all, they didn’t have to live with the burden of guilt I had forced upon myself.

But complacency is an enemy we all have to contend with, and I let my guard down. I was consumed with guilt, I was so wracked with decisions I had made that I stopped paying attention. And they took advantage of that. And now they have come to seek their vengeance for my past transgressions.

Whatever I did, whoever I was, whatever I will do and whoever I will be – I am not going down without a fight. After all, I already have the guilt of what I did. I’m already having to deal with it. So if I have to inflict another ant-genocide on these crawling little bastards once again encroaching on my territory, I will. I will. No remorse, no retreat, no surrender.

In preparation for what has to be done – again – I’m going to watch Starship Troopers. Ask not what you can do for your flat, ask what the ant-killing device in your flat can do for you.

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