I have realised I would like an extra hour or two each day in which I am allowed to do my sitting/gaming/reading/gambling/whatevering without the nagging feeling that I have something else to do. I mean, how do you people manage it? Having to cook, and clean, and wash your clothes and all that shit? Granted I only really bother with the food bit. And sometimes the clothes, but only after each pair of pants has been worn for eight weeks straight. Got to get some real use out of them, after all.
You never know, in that hour or so I waste having to do things I might come up with the next great novel – the Da Vinci Code 2, or something. This Time It’s Da Vinci-er. I reckon that could work. I have copyright on that idea too, so screw you all.
Anyway, as a result of wanting a bit more time and a bit less necessity to do things for myself, I would like to formally place an advert for a servant. You do not have to be live-in, but if I get scotch egg cravings at 4am and you don’t get me my damn scotch egg within four minutes I’ll be might pissed. So it might work in your favour to sleep on my floor. It’ll be clean there, if you’re doing your job right.
Anyway, the main benefits are as follows:
- You get to hear my voice all the time, and I have a great definitely-not-annoying voice.
- I can pay you in food. The food that you make.
- You get to pay for food.
- The ants are in the process of being genocided in their stupid ant faces.
- I will only shout at you sometimes. Well, most of the time.
- I will only communicate to you by shouting.
- If you cook something crap for me you get to be beaten up by me.
- You get to wash my dirty grundies.
- I have an iron!
It’s so worth it, I expect applications to flood in over the next few days. Closing date is the 30th. Successful applicants will be called in for an initial beating to see how well you take it, followed by a food cooking session should you pass the initial round. Apologies, but I cannot be bothered to respond to those of you I hate. Good luck!