The Amazing ‘Best Buy A Bar’ Plan

Right, we’ve decided we’re going to open a bar. Or run a bar. Or something like that. So I’ve decided I’m going to put together a business plan so that no bank can refuse us a loan. Or my dad. Basically I’m looking for… umm… about £100,000 I suppose. Yeah, that’ll do.

Well professional, me.

The plan is as follows: rental (including all applicable service charges etc) comes to about £45,000 a year. As such, this means we would have to sell a minimum of 62 drinks every single night (if they were to cost £2 each) to meet this target.

There is the target, here is how we will achieve it: by opening every single night and selling at least 62 drinks.

It is a plan that cannot fail.

“But Ian!” you moronically interrupt, “what about wages, or a bit of money for yourself so you can afford to live? Or buying stock? Or fees to get your licence? Taxes? All the other things you haven’t mentioned?”

Well, that’s simple too: granted, I hadn’t thought about it, but yes. Simple. See, what we do there is we sell more drinks every night. Seriously – it’s no wonder so many pubs go out of business. They just don’t have my brain for business and maths on their side. The poor, doomed fools.

So that’s the plan. It’s pretty much watertight, as I’m sure you’ll agree. I expect your loan offers on my desk by Friday morning. Oh, and I will pay no more than 0.000003% interest on any loan given. Forgot that part.

Seriously though – owning a bar would be fucking brilliant.



Filed under Prattle

4 responses to “The Amazing ‘Best Buy A Bar’ Plan

  1. we’re definitely going to have to do it. i’m sick of thinking about doing stuff and then never doing it. find a pub.

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