Things I am good at: number one

I thought I’d write about something I’m really good at in order to counter the wall of negativity that was my treatise on why I’m really bloody awful at go-karting. I thought long and hard and soon enough came up with something I am indeed really good at, demonstrably so, and something that not everybody else in the world is good at.

I am, of course, talking about my ability to not lose things.

See, while you plebs might go on a night out and put something down, only to see it has gone missing within the hour, I do not do that. While you fools don’t feel when something like your wallet drops out of your pocket, I am always aware. While you useless, cretinous morons manage to not hold on to your phone and simply forget about it until the morning after, I am brilliant at clutching mine with all the might I can muster.

In short, I am brilliant at not losing things.

This is all well and good, but there is one small problem: I sort of lost my hoody the other night. As such, any and all claims that went before are null and void. I have become one of the peons, too stupid to look after my own stuff and too careless with my belongings to deserve actually having stuff.

I’ll never see the likes of that £4 Primark hoody I’ve had for the last five years again, that’s for sure. Until I go to Primark and buy another one, at least. It’s better they’re from there – the stitching’s really good, thanks to the children that make them having tiny hands.

Now I think about it, I’ve misplaced my other £4 Primark hoody. Damn, I’m rubbish at this.


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