Dear Valued Number On A List,
We are writing to you to inform you of a fantastic mandatory opportunity we are allowing you to exclusively take part in.
As you may be aware, evil criminal scum are focusing their entire, unwavering attention directly at you and your children/dog/television [DELETE AS APPROPRIATE]. You will never escape their gaze and you will never, ever be safe from their criminalistic tendencies, such is their sheer evil tenacity and commitment to nefarious deeds.
So, to help you try and somehow avoid these illegal incursions, because you’ll definitely be targeted – be afraid – we are offering you the chance to have an Irritating Extra Stupid Bloody Step In A Process Creator sent to you. Please note this opportunity is, as mentioned, mandatory.
The IESBSIAPC will allow your once-simple method of logging into your bank account to retrieve its details and see how little money you have for a hacker (who is definitely targeting you and you alone) to steal. The simple device will go in hand with our brand new, streamlined personal security features to make sure you never get that £20 in your account stolen from you. The steps are as follows:
- Choose a new log-in name.
- Choose a new password.
- Enter your log-in and password.
- Re-enter your log-in and password.
- Turn on your IESBSIAPC.
- Press the code creation button to reveal your 734-character security code (different every time).
- Enter 734-character code.
- Re-re-enter your log-in and password.
- Re-renter your 734-character code.
- Send one pint (imperial measurement) to the bank address on your separately-provided address letter.
- To obtain your address letter, you will need to await the arrival of your IESBSIAPC MKII, which will be with you some time in the next four years.
- Re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-enter everything you’ve already entered a dozen times.
We thank you for your time and we will accept any and all donations you wish to send us as thanks for our wonderful efforts in making your life “easier” and making sure your money is “safer”.