Monthly Archives: June 2011

Spare 11 minutes of your life to watch Sealab

I am too tired to write anything of vague interest now, and am going to go to bed while it’s still light outside. As a result, this blog will require you to use your eyes to watch rather than read.

This is Sealab 2021, and I honestly believe if I was ever allowed to make a TV show it would be pretty much exactly the same as this. Watch it and love it. And if you don’t love it, we’re going to have to break up. Either that or you’re just an idiot, in which case we don’t have to break up – you just have to shut up. Forever:

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A short love-in for pyjama bottoms

I cannot believe I went for so long without pyjama bottoms. I used to wear them as a child, but then opted for the simpler, quicker choice of simply sleeping in my pants. I even had a period of (MENTAL IMAGE ALERT) sleeping wang-loose through the long, lonely nights.

But at some point around five years or so ago, for some reason I genuinely don’t remember, I bought me some PJ bottoms. Turns out they make everything right with the world – comfortable and casual, they show off your attitude of “yeah, I’m not in bed, but I’m wearing them. Wanna fight about it?”

Boxers are somewhat restrictive towards leg movement, and seeing as I’m well known for my awesome spin-kicks while I’m asleep, I obviously can’t like with this kind of restrictive fabric around my thighs. No such troubles with the loose and free world of pyjama bottoms.

In fact, I’m tempted to become a hippie so I have an excuse to wear PJs all the time. I can pretend they’re made from hemp and an eighty year old woman called Moon Mooning Moonson knitted them with organic knitting needles (made from hemp). Then I can wear pyjama bottoms all the time, and the world will be better for me.

Three points to whoever guesses what item of clothing I’ve just put on.

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Jackass: one of the best shows there’s ever been

So yeah, as an easy follow-up to yesterday’s entry, howsabout a bit on why Jackass is one of the finest comedy creations out there and how if you don’t like it you have no soul? Yeah? Yeah. Because, see, it is.

I’ve got a chip on my shoulder when it comes to comedy, and I think rightly so. I cannot abide by lazy comedians whoring themselves out to an audience of slack-jawed morons with tired, clichéd routines about Stuff Wot We All Can Relate To. I’m not saying it’s bad, I’m just saying it bores and annoys me.

Also it’s bad.

Anyway, same thing for all walks of comedy. Basically: I consider myself to generally like good comedy. I know it’s subjective and lah de dah, but shut up – if you don’t agree with me you’re wrong. Wrong, wrong and wrong. And that includes about dumb crap like Jackass.

Jackass came about at a perfect time for me, starting around the early 00s when I was around the 17-year-old point in my life. Hence, a bunch of RAD DUDES doing STUPID SHIT was my idea of great entertainment. It was. It still is. Even ten years later it’s all perfectly watchable, and it will still make you laugh. Regardless of how much Chris Pontius is in it.

And I think it comes down to a these factors: first, it’s the basest level of comedy you can get. It’s physical, slapstick and involves people falling over. It really doesn’t get much simpler; second, it doesn’t matter that it’s simple as there’s no pretension behind anything in it – it’s called ‘Jackass’ for eff’s sake, and complaints that it’s base really are redundant arguments;

Third, it’s a surprisingly creative show. I mean, essentially they end up taking stupid risks, jumping off/over things, setting stuff on fire and getting their knobs out, but there’s a lot of imagination involved in how they go about doing these things. Compared to something like the risible Dirty Sanchez, Jackass always had a great deal of – for want of a better word – intelligence behind it; and finally, it was a very warm show. You could always tell these idiots were friends, that they got on well with each other. Even Bam, who is clearly a cock. The camaraderie permeated every aspect of the show, the stunts they did and the reactions to the outcomes – and it was warm.

So yeah, that’s part of the reason why I was a fan of Ryan Dunn – because he was in one of my favourite shows. Dunn-less updates restart tomorrow.

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Ryan Dunn: awesome beard, dead idiot

Today a hero of mine died in a ridiculous, shit way that really isn’t, but then is, befitting of him. Yes, professional Jackass Ryan Dunn (and former CKYer, as well as wonderful lead character in one of the best drinking films ever made, Haggard) has only gone and got himself killed.

Details are a bit all over the place right now, but my SOURCES are telling me he was driving his Porsche at 110mph, quite possibly under the influence of booze. Now, if true, this is the behaviour of a dickhead and is seriously irritating. Like when you find out people you like as musicians didn’t die in (non-alcohol-influenced) car crashes, but had heroin overdoses. BRADLEY.

Anyway, yes, away from the ‘why that was a fucking stupid way to die’ and toward the ‘I like the bearded idiot because’.

He had a brilliant beard. Like, really brilliant. The kind of beard I genuinely wish I could grow, but I cannot. Nor will I ever be able to. This saddens me more than you could ever know. Even more than the death of the man.

But aside from the beard, he just seemed like the best one of the Jackass bunch. Bam is a spoilt little shit, Steve-O a moron, Pontius even worse, Knoxville is great but wasn’t there from the start and… the miscellaneous ones were just miscellaneous.

Dunn appeared to be the one who would throw you through a wall just to make everyone laugh, but would then at least make a cursory effort to make sure you were okay. Then throw himself through a wall. With that beard.

Plus the one where he’s sat outside at a bar and says he’ll get run over by the next car that goes past – then does – ranks up there as one of my favourite things I’ve ever seen.

I need to do a post explaining why Jackass (and to a lesser extent CKY) is one of the best things ever at some point. Just so you idiots all learn to appreciate.

Anyway, while he appears to have gone out in one of the worst, most idiotic and shit ways you could possibly ever think, I’m still sad to see the bearded twerp gone.

And why not finish with this, because it’s a bit weird in the current context:

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Work to do? Okay, I’ll spend all day doing NOTHING OF THE SORT, then.

I have just spent half an hour setting up my speakers so the sound from my telly-vee comes out through them. I have been meaning to do this for a while, as clearly I am such an audiophile it had to be done. HAD TO BE.

Obviously I’ve opted for the best connection, which is plugging an amp into the headphone socket on the TV. No better sound than that, right? RIGHT? Ahem.

Anyway, like I say, this needed to be done and I’ve intended to do it for a while. Saaaay, about two years now? I’ve just forgotten about it or not bothered for an age. So what’s pushed me over the edge and made me take the plunge into a world of even more wires cluttering up my already cluttered floor?

Work, obviously. I have a sizeable feature to finish off today, so naturally I’ve opted to do other things that really need doing. Like said speaker thing. I’m probably going to do the washing up in a mo. Then have a shower that lasts about an hour. Then rearrange the speakers. Then tidy up a bit.

Then put some washing on.

Then rearrange my towels.

Then stare in the mirror for 30 minutes wondering what went wrong.

Then eat an apple.

Then read some old correspondence or look at old photos and get nostalgic.

Then realise it’s half nine and there’s still a feature to finish off, then stay up til 4am actually doing it.

Then make this blog go on for longer than it really should.

Still, at least my totally super-rad sound system is now hooked up. Had this badboy forever now.

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Hall Pass, the ultimate review (7/10)

After watching the film entitled ‘Hall Pass’ last night, I can safely say that the film entitled ‘Hall Pass’ is one of the worst things I have ever seen in my life. Two things, over the course of around one hour and 50 minutes, two things actually made me laugh – and that’s because one was a dick joke, one was a shit joke.

I’m always going to laugh at dick and shit jokes, no matter how unfunny everything else around them is.

Owen Wilson plays Owen fucking Wilson, again, like he does in every bloody film ever with his weird bent face and inability to come across as anything other than Owen cocking Wilson. Then there’s that bloke from the Hangover, who plays a dickhead or something – I don’t know, I wasn’t really listening.

Basically it’s a story about two horrible men with wives who are almost as bad as they are and how they go on exciting adventures and realise OH MY GOD THEY LOVE EACH OTHER regardless of the fact that at the beginning of the film they hate each other. The husbands and wives, that is, because men cannot love each other. Jesus said so.

Allegedly there are some jokes inbetween. I didn’t pick up on any, bar the two mentioned. All I saw was almost two hours of the most execrable characters in a film I have ever seen. I did not care for any of them, I did not like any of them, I did not want any of them to succeed or flourish in any way. I wanted them to piss off.

But for some reason I watched it all. Still, Pepper from Neighbours gets her norks out, so it’s the best film ever made.

7/10

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Daytime sleeping, or: wasting time

Even though I’ve been quite knackered for the last couple of days, I still haven’t seen fit to do a daytime or early sleep. See, I’m very much the kind of person who wants to maintain as much free time as possible, even if I am only going to waste it, so going to sleep early, or having a nap or whatever, just seems like… well, wasting it.

But in a different, worse-wasting kind of way. Definitely makes sense.

Like today – we finish work at 1pm on Fridays, and for once I came straight home. I have now been sat here since about two, watching things, playing games, whatever – feeling absolutely knackered. To the point where I’ve nodded off a couple of times, though only for a minute or two.

Yet in spite of having a totally free afternoon in which to catch up on some well-needed sleep, I have opted to not go to bed. My brain tells me “do things! Don’t waste your own time!” which I can get on board with. But yeah, it’s not like the things I do are of any value or relevance.

Also, because I’m still knackered now, my writing skill – or at least my ability to concentrate on a point I’m making – is focked. Hence getting vague nonsense like this and the previous entry. The entry before that was just a drunken one.

I must be losing readers here, this has been a shower of shite for the last few days. AH WELL, 500-odd blogs will do that to someone who has as little to say as I do.

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