Spurred on by one of the usual inane Reddit threads, and because I’m a bit rushed doing lots of things this evening, I have been thinking of things I was told or taught as a young ‘un that I didn’t particularly realise were bollocks until I got older. And even then it might have taken me a while to realise.
First up is superglue. That sticky bastard stuff that regularly ruins as many lives as it purportedly saved during the Vietnam War (or was it Korea? THERE’S NO WAY I COULD POSSIBLY FIND OUT) is something I am very wary of even to this day. No, literally – actually genuinely to this day. See, I was raised with the belief that contact with the stuff was basically a slight step down from a death sentence. It wouldn’t kill you, but it might as well have.
Enter today, and I had to fix a broken shower head holder. Using superglue. Guess where this is going. I still have dried glue all over my fingers, but I certainly haven’t been permanently stuck to anything, nor have I died. Yet. There’s still a chance, though.
Then there’s the hot water boiler majiggy back at my dad’s house. I don’t remember when and I don’t remember who told me, but I do remember at some point I was told not to touch the boiler, located just below the clean towels, as it would electrocute me, or burn me, or hurt me in some untold fashion. I believed this and I avoided ever touching it, terrified any time I dropped a towel on it or my hand strayed just a little.
It honestly, actually, genuinely, properly, really took me til I was about 20 to touch that thing. It was fine. Did I mention it was covered in a cushioned material to make sure people touching it wouldn’t burn their hands? Yeah, that’s the level we’re dealing with here.
But the one thing that I had the fear of death drilled into me about I have never got over still haunts me to this day. I am still genuinely scared of them, and I honestly don’t think I will ever use one in my life, mainly because of my pa’s incessant warnings (and numerous fire brigade videos). Chip pans. I will have absolutely no regrets if I go to my grave having never used one, such is my weariness of those fire-breathing motherfuckers.
Though, if I do ever use one, it will likely mean I go straight to my grave. They were invented by Satan and perfected by Hitler.