I want to write me some shit films, or something

I am genuinely confused by what I see on TV a lot of the time. I’ve gone over my hatred for adverts – and likely will again in future – I don’t tend to watch many of the shows that YOU LOT love so much and I tend to be late to whatever bandwagon show is doing the rounds at any given time.

But this weekend’s watching of TV activity has shown me there’s a whole deeper element that runs not just through TV, but into the world of movies. I am utterly, completely and totally confused about how and why a great deal of these films ever get made. Shit horror films for the Horror Channel, incredi-bad softcore porn for Movies4Men, all of those ‘Movie’ movies.

These things get written. The scripts get paid for. They get funding, and actors, and help, and the rights get sold to companies around the world, and more than no people watch them. There’s no justice in a system that allows this tripe to be made.

On the other hand, there’s surely opportunity. As such, I want someone in the know to tell me how this shit keeps on getting made – how these people can get money to make things, and how they can get to the point where aimlessly flicking through Sky channels leads to these films being left on the TV for more than four minutes (until the laughter fades and it becomes apparent the joke has worn thin, natch).

I want in. I could write better tripe than these tripe-manufacturers. That’s not me saying I’d be good at writing this stuff, more just that I’d be better than them. Because whoever ‘they’ are, they pen some absolute gash. Though not in the case of soft porn, because that would be too hardcore for their intended audience.


Really though – get me a writing gig making crap films. I’d be ace at it.


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