The worst beers in the world, officially (N.B. not officially)

Beer is great, but the beer that – apparently – most people drink is piss and shit mixed up into one dickhead-shaped can. No, really, it is. I reckon if you put through a freedom of information request you’d get that in writing from some kind of government official. It’s bad stuff, so for the benefit of Chris “But I Like Carlsberg” McMahon, I’m going to review some of the more popular/ubiquitous brands.

Now, I’m not stupid or ugly enough to claim I have never drank these shitty beers, nor that I don’t still indulge every now and then. But I don’t drink them anywhere near as much as I used to, and it’s getting to the point where I visibly shudder in a pub if forced to utter the phrase “a pint of Carling, please”. In fact, it’s increasingly rare for me to drink any beer at all, post-EA Sportsageddon. Just thought I’d clear that up. ONWARDS.

Carling
Otherwise known as ‘The Worst Thing In The World’, I have heard rumours Carling is actually one big joke being played by beer company owners across the world. They wanted to see how gullible the British public could be by introducing a beer so utterly without merit it can only be called ‘beer’ because they paid off Trading Standards and trying to make it the most popular ‘beer’ in the country. These days, the beer company owners just sit around all day, laughing in utter disbelief and counting their money.

Carlsberg
Brother of ing, berg was introduced to the market to try and mop up those twats who will only drink things if they sound foreign. Not too foreign, mind – you don’t want no Vlablowski or anything. Nah, berg is much closer to home, and we all know a Carl.

Heineken
For some reason Heineken gets a bit of an easy ride from people – I think it’s the American influence, as they seem to like it over there. While I appreciate they’re one of the few lagers that offer themselves up in tinycan format, I still can’t get over the fact that it tastes like piss water.

Coors Light
Do you know what it tastes like when you’ve lightly heated cabbage in unsalted water for thirteen months – just enough to raise the temperature, not enough to boil the water off – strained the chunks out, chilled the remaining liquid and then drank it? Yes, you do – because you’ve all had a Van Damme-approved Coors Light.

Stella Artois
When something is HILARIOUSLY referred to as ‘wife beater’, you know it’s definitely a beer worth drinking. Originally brewed by mysterious types in Leuven, Belgium, all records of the lager’s inception were lost after the entire town brawled itself to death.

John Smith’s


 

Not even bitter is safe from my ire here, as I rise up in protest against that most Northern of beverages. Aside from the bloke on the artwork (I’d guess he’s called ‘John’, or ‘Busey’) looking like a twat, the beer itself is bland. Cheap, yes. But utterly without merit, unless you want to pretend to impress Southerners by drinking ‘real beer, like’.

Foster’s
Just get fucked, yeah?

Kronenbourg
People seem to think this is better than the other beers listed for some reason. Details aren’t my strong point right now as I’m very hungry, but safe to say: they’re wrong. Kronenbourg is just as shitty as the other stuff.

I’m sure there’s more, but I’m done being a big arrogant prick now. And for all my eulogising about things like Sierra Nevada, the fact it’s readily available in the UK – albeit imported – means it’s not as edgy and cool as I want it to be. Must find more obscure beers to like, to keep up my beer-hipster status…

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