Things I will ban when I rule the world, part 1

I’m not in charge yet, but I might be at some point so it wouldn’t hurt to come up with a list of some of the many, many things that I will be banning. I will mainly be banning them all because I’m a crotchety old shit who wants things to just bugger off and leave me alone. Seriously – what’s so wrong with that? Absolutely nothing, that’s what. So here’s a list-type thing:

People brushing against my elbow.
I get it – you need to walk past and my elbows tend to stick out a little bit from the seat. That’s because I’m quite large. And yes, maybe I could draw my elbows closer so this couldn’t happen, or maybe you could turn to the side so your massive arse doesn’t wipe itself on my skin, or maybe I could just ignore this minor inconvenience and get on with life. But no – I’m just going to ban the shit out of it. BANNED.

Turbulence.
Seriously. The fuck? It was bad enough on the flight back to knock an air hostess into my lap which was both terrifying and annoying (I was trying to eat). Dear air: stop trying to make me think you’re going to make the plane explode. It is scary and unnecessary, and makes me not want to fly. That, or Valium. Anyway: BANNED.

People who take business seriously, as if it’s not an utterly ridiculous concept at the basest level.
Because, yeah, like, man, like, things and stuff, it’s just stuff, man. Seriously though – stop having these straight-faced conversations about shit that I don’t think matters, or I’ll have you ejected from the planet onto a newly conquered planet I have christened Twatdonia. “Ohhhh, this graph has stuff on it let’s pretend we’re important by talking about it”. BANNED.

Ugly people.
I don’t think I fall into this category, though I can never be sure. I mean, I’ve seen photos of this schnozz and it’s not exactly pleasing to the eye. Anyway, truly ugly people need to go away please. You sadden me by being alive and not being pretty. I’m image obsessed, you see, and only surround myself with beautiful people all the time. Apparently because I like looking the worst out of a group. So yeah, uggos: BANNED.

Violence as the answer (it’s the question – the answer is ‘yes’).
If you cannot solve a problem that probably has some solution to it, the solution you decided upon to use should not just be ‘hitting it with a hammer until it dies’, or ‘punching teeth out until I’m right’. No, it should be ‘forfeiting to Dransfield, as he’s always right’. Yeah, sounds about right. BANNED.

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One response to “Things I will ban when I rule the world, part 1

  1. Pingback: Two Hundred & Twenty Five. Room 101. « Daily Hedges

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