Humanity dies thanks to one numpty with a badge

Turns out the apes took over not because of any intelligent plot, their power or sheer numbers. It wasn’t the surprise, it wasn’t that we were too arrogant or that our hubris played its part exactly as it should. No, it was because some stupid security man said “HE’S DEAD” instead of actually checking if what he was saying was dead, was dead.

Idiot went and brought about the destruction of human society as we know it, leading to a world of enslavement at the hands of super-intelligent apes.

I’m not on about Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes, mind you. I’m on about Conquest Of The Planet Of The Apes, which is on right now and has almost as bad a title.

Ordered to execute super-smart chimpanzee Caesar, a security man at the monkey slave facility makes two utterly fucking stupid mistakes. One, he doesn’t look at the meter measuring amps (which isn’t moving because the electrocution device has been turned off at the mains by a human sympathiser) and so believes the device to be working fine. Two, on electrocuting a chimp, as we’ve all done at some point in our lives, he declares it dead simply by looking at it for about a second.

Now, I’m not a monkey doctor. I wish I was, but my career path took an unfortunate turn aged about seven. But without any monkey medicine training I know that just looking at a chimpanzee in a jumpsuit for a matter of seconds would not be enough to ascertain whether or not it was alive or dead.

Well, maybe if it was alive, but definitely not if it was dead. At least check its chimp-pulse, for fuck’s sake.

I mean come on man – you’ve caused the downfall of the entire human race. You’re like the gunner on the Star Destroyer who doesn’t shoot the escape pod with C3PO and R2D2 in it: you have the most important role in the entire film, and you did bad. Very bad. Idiot.

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