Nuts: the definitive review (7/10)

Some people try to tell you nuts are superfoods. They’re not, they’re just snack-foods that are sometimes used as ingredients in other dishes/concoctions. Nothing super about that – loads of stuff works in the same way. Arrogant nut-loving bastards.

Anyway, in my characteristic bold fashion, I will now review and rate some types of nut. This is because of two things: one, I just ate some nuts, and b, I can’t be arsed thinking of anything to write because my soul hurts from this hangover.

Hazelnuts
Classic, if not bland, the hazelnut was discovered in 1982 by William H Macy (not the actor). It has since been blamed for many atrocities, such as the Hazelnut Massacre of 1979, where 34,000 indigenous tribespeople lost their lives in Bognor. 7/10

Walnuts
Get fucked. 7/10

Cashews
Commonly referred to, by me mainly, as the king of nuts. The cashew actually has properties beyond merely being delicious and eminently snackable – it actually cures AIDS. I’ve been eating them a long time and no AIDS here. Well, apart from a little bit – but everyone has a little bit of AIDS. It’s harmless. 7/10

Almonds
Weird bastards, these. Half of them decide to be creamy and delicious (though make you feel sick after a few too many) and the other half are sentient creatures from beneath the ocean, capable of operating short-haul tankers – though only if it’s on behalf of an independent, family-owned business. Otherwise they just don’t function. 7/10

Macadamias
Obnoxiously expensive, though that’s mainly down to the fact they’re made from real gold, with hints of smack rubbed into them for good measure. Cashews are still better, and Macadamias know this. 7/10

Clementines
Not nuts, technically, but they belong in every list just to prove to the world their dominance. As if they have to prove anything. 7/10

I hope you all learned something useful today. Also, there are more nuts out there, like the pecan, for example, or the lesser-spotted (and man-eating) gimpleberry nut. Stay safe out there, people.

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