Seeing as though the NASA satellite that’s going to hit the earth tomorrow is clearly going to land right on my head, such is the luck of me (Ian), I think I’ll do some kind of last will and testament.
- 1. Bury me with all my shit
I don’t want any of you idiots having my stuff when I’m dead, mainly because you’ll all put your stupid fingers all over it and mess it up. Hence, it’s safest to just bury it with me. Also I’m very selfish.
- 2. Two And A Half Men isn’t funny
This needs to be made law or something, post-satellite head-collision. Because it’s unfunny shit.
- 3. All future satellites should have my face engraved on them
It’s the perfect tribute to me – after all, I’m totally about satellites and stuff. Always go on about them. Never shut up about them, me.
Right, I’m bored of that now. And, now I think about it, that’s all I really need. Putting it on a blog like this makes it legal, yes? Good, Sorted. Done.
Of course, I’ll look quite the fool if those bastards from NASA don’t do me in like they’re supposed to. “Oooh, the satellite landed harmlessly in the sea,” they’ll say, “well, we say harmlessly but it did kill a batch of shrimp,” they’d add, “wait – do you call it a batch of shrimp? A shoal? A school? A murder?” they’d question.
Because NASA are sea idiots.