I am now the smartest person alive

It seems as I get older I do indeed get smarter, wiser and generally better. In the past I was but an empty shell, awaiting a sudden knowledge-blast to hit me straight in the face and be infused into my very soul.

I didn’t notice it, but apparently that happened. Apparently I have become all-knowing. The entire wealth of human knowledge that we have available to us as a species is now What I Know. Knowledge is power, meaning what I have is power – and lots of it.

But why is this? Have I been reading? Did I go back to school again? Have I started paying attention to things, rather than completely ignoring them and blindly nodding my head to feign interest like I normally do? No. I honestly don’t know what’s happened, but it has just hit me today that, well – I know everything. Why did I realise this?

Because I got three questions right on University Challenge. I’ll wait for the shock to pass before I go on.

Ready? …

Yeah, you read that right – I got a whole three questions absolutely correct on the Pax Man’s other bullying show. Whereas I was once mortal like the rest of you plebs, I am now more than that. I am beyond human. An advanced species. Better in every conceivable way.

I don’t remember what the questions were, nor do I really recall how I barked the answers at my TV. I do know I got three right though. Maybe I was possessed. Maybe my delicious, life-giving meal of noodles and tuna was laced with mind-expanding crack. I don’t know.

But what I do know is that it’s going to be fun living life as someone so, so much smarter than all of you peons. Hail to the king, and all that.

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