I made what some would call an impulse purchase the other day. Browsing the aisles at Lidl (I may be an international superstar these days, but I still find time to return to my roots) I came across one of my favourite sections: dried fruit and nuts.
Reaching for my usual helping of Alesto Nuts Royal (I’d take the walnuts out at home, of course) my gaze was dragged to the right. There I saw something… different. New. Special. Alesto Sweetened Dried Cherries.
Now I knew already how great dried cherries were, thanks to the fine efforts of Waitrose and their Love Life fruit/nut selection. Delicious little bastards, some might say. So I took the plunge – £1.49 being beyond what I’d normally spend on such a crazy, wacky impulse buy, but I am a renegade.
Getting them home I was eager to tuck in. A few chores stood in my way – waxing the gibbon, flossing the tables and wiping your mum’s knees off (none of these are euphemisms, nor are they true). But once clear I sat, readied myself, tore open the bag, tore it again the other way as Alesto has stupid bag designs and they never open properly first time, dipped in my misshapen claw and tucked in.
It was what you might call ‘a bit of a let-down’. In fact, I’d go so far as to say ‘it wasn’t very nice and I instantly regretted the decision of buying them’. Like I said – I’m a renegade.
All in all they taste like weird, sweetened plastic (with a hint of rubber). They taste like a waste of £1.49. They taste nothing like cherries. They taste just like people who never go to Lidl would expect everything from Lidl to taste. They taste like failure, and they taste like something that I really should just throw in the bin.
I bought them for more than 20p though, so there’s no fucking way in hell I’m binning the bastards.