How to make people not sit next to you

I am currently on a train, hence writing a load of blogs in quick succession (WWE TLC is on to the left of this window, of course). To the right of me, on one of the few unreserved seats in the train is sat… NOBODY. I am quite good at making it so people don’t actually want to sit next to me, so I have decided to write a quick guide you can refer to (quickly) to make sure the scum (“other people”) stay well away from you.

Look like me
If you can’t yet buy Ian Masks in shops around the world (you should be able to, and if you can’t, it’s a load of shit), you’re going to have to hope you have my face. If you don’t have my face, you can try and adopt the Ian face. It’s simple: just never smile, look like you’re about to kill everyone in the local area, sneer derisively in the direction of everyone else alive and generally just be Full Of Hate.

Use the table next to you
Right now I have some apple juice and Wine Gums on the little table next to me, as I have no room on my own little table. This isn’t too in the way, nor is it really taking the piss in any way, or something. Anyway, people see it there then think there’s someone sat there THERE ISN’T HA HA THE FOOLS.

Look even more like me
See above, then times it by two.

Smell like me
Pretty self explanatory.

Be a tramp
It helps, I’ll be honest.

And there’s your top tips for the day.

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