Well it turns out 2012 is a piece of shit already, possibly the worst year that’s ever happened. I’m not overreacting nor am I exaggerating. It’s been nothing but utter shit from start to now, and I’m not happy with it. Sit comfortably and read on. Or don’t, I don’t give too much of a fuck if you’re sat on the gosh darned Iron Throne or if you can’t actually read.
Basically, I awoke around 9am feeling as if I’d been shot/a pig had shat on my brain/I was suffering the early stages of Sudden Onset Death – it was to be expected, but it was still a bit shit and set 2012 off badly (I’m not counting early morning-to-5am where I was having fun).
But it didn’t stop there, oh no. No, see I wanted to go out of the house – crazy, I know – and buy me some food to consume. TO PUT IN MY MOUTH. I was all set to buy chicken, potatoes and vegetables – yeah, I’m crazy like that – and cook the chicken, mash the potatoes and do something with the veg. Then I was to put it on a plate, cut it into smaller pieces using a knife (with a stabilising action provided by something known as a ‘fork’) and consume it.
It was going to be great.
But, on arriving at my first-choice destination of Waitrose I was met by a confusing sight: it was closed. I turned and walked the short distance to Lidl to find the very same: a shop that wasn’t open. New Year’s Day has ruined my plans by being one of those shitty days where things are closed and people are dickheads who don’t want to work to provide me with chicken, potatoes and vegetables.
But you know what was open? You know what did provide me with some hope for humanity? The 99p shop. Yes, the shop that is a whole penny cheaper than Poundland. So my dinner of chicken, potatoes and vegetables has been modified slightly to what I could get from the 99p shop: instant ramen and Wheat Crunchies.
Yeah, 2012 is going to be great.