A handy guide to the whole internet, part I

As someone who has used the internet for at least four weeks now, I feel comfortable in both showing off my knowledge and providing a teaching service for you, the plebes. Or is it plebs? Who knows.

Google knows, that’s who. Plebs is a singular collective noun, whereas plebes is the plural, meaning more than one collection of plebs. An individual is a plebeian. Which you can’t spell without ‘Ian’. Ah. Balls.

Anyway, my research into the internets has provided many nuggets of golden information, but none of them have proven as useful – as worthwhile – as my research into internet comment threads. Be they on a news site, on a review, in a forum, on Twitter, whatever it is – there is an area where everyone, even you, can go and speek you’re branes.

And my word are there times when I wish you couldn’t. The propensity for idiocy seemingly knows no bounds, and every time I venture into comment threads I end up wishing I hadn’t. Also: angry.

But I’m here to help you ease yourself into this world with a quick, handy guide as to the types of commenter you will see in every single comment thread in the world. Because they’re always there. They, for some reason, can’t not be.

The pedant
A noble order – some find them irritating, interjecting with “I think you meant to say…” and suchlike, but I find them the purest of the pure. In fact, they’re likely to be seen as modern day saints as soon as the world gets over the fact that you fucking well should be corrected for getting things wrong.

The racist
Everywhere. EVERY. WHERE. You usually don’t get to read their comments though, as they’re often deleted before you arrive.

The closet racist
Even more everywhere, and this one doesn’t get deleted because they hide their blatant hatred for people wot dun are different with some terrible, made-up logic. Often of the cyclical or straw man variety.

The blandington
You will have read their comment, but by the time you’re at the end of the sentence you will have forgotten what the beginning of it said. You will not go back to re-read it.

The child
They often pop up, leading to memes like ‘I am twelve and what is this’. Do not engage them in any discourse, it will only lead to pointlessness.

You
THE PERSON I HATE THE MOST.

Some others
Because yeah, this list isn’t actually funny like I intended it to be. You could consider this me being a lazy commenter who starts a point or argument but then never comes back to validate any points or explain any concepts. Which also means I could be a troll.

Get over it.

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