I can write like Tarantino. Piss easy. Ahem.

I just watched True Romance for something like the ten billionth time – even though it wasn’t on yesterday’s list, shocker I know – and it’s got me in something of a romantic (ha ha ha!) mood (ha! I said “romantic”!) (like “romance”, like the name of the film!).

Not in the way where I’m nice to someone until they bore me, or whatever it is that kind of romance is. No, just a mindless ‘I should write things’ romance. Because Tarantino’s screenplay/story/whatever the fuck he wrote of it is on a level I could actually manage.

Alright, maybe not the setting, the likeable characters, the fact it’s utterly ridiculous yet strangely normal or really anything about it at all. But seeing as I’ve just said I could manage it, I’m not about to delete that sentence and try again. In fact, I’ll just tell you how I’d be able to manage it by showing you how to emulate Tarantino’s writing (by way of Tony Scott).

Make reference to some shit film nobody has ever seen. Simple. I’ve seen loads of films no one else has seen, and if needs be I can just watch some now. I hear this ‘Citizen Kane’ thing isn’t very popular. How could it be? No fucking colour in it.

Have lots of Mexican stand-offs. It’s not a racist thing, but I am under the impression they happen all the time in Mexico, hence the name. It’s some kind of tradition related to drinking tequila and wearing a sombrero. You do those two things then you all shoot each other. Anyway, it’s a simple case of making sure everyone’s stood there pointing guns at each other. I CAN WRITE THAT.

Have people talk about inane, insane or otherwise banal things in a way that makes them interesting, compelling, cool. Now I may struggle on this bit, but I’m sure I can make mugs interesting. Tea mugs, coffee mugs – the size matters, the weight has to come into consideration, it’s a huge part of the hot drink drinking process that seems to pass many people by. And don’t get me started on favourite spoons. SEE I’M WELL GOOD AT IT I’VE MADE SPOONS COOL.

Violence. Easy. There’s a lot of violence in my mind. I can just write it down. And once I’ve served my time after the police have read what I’ve written, I can carry on writing.

That’s about it, really. Maybe put some fast food in there too. But that would mean going to America, because I don’t know anywhere around here you can get a damn good fast food burger (note for people itching to correct me: I don’t want nothing even approaching a gosh darned restaurant).

Yeah, I can do this shit. Going to take a week off, do it and sell my script for £32. THIRTY TWO SMACKAROONIES. Then I can go out and flash the cash to all the HOT TAMALES. TAMAAALLLLEEEES.

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