This week I’ve been a total ball of nutritional fury (in the good way). If nutritional value had any value, its value would be a picture of my face. Or something that makes more sense. Basically, I might have to change my name to Gary Nutrition because I am the most nutritional nutritionism that’s ever happened. Occurred. Been. Is.

It’s been a week of the sorts of power foods that homely-looking tossers talk about on shows and adverts where they say “natural” and “organic” and “cunt” a lot. If health was a thing it would be rebranded to be called “Ian” and anything healthy would have my face on it.

Which would be unfortunate, as it would discourage people from eating healthily. Who would buy something with my face on or in it? Well, aside from the readers of all the fine magazines I’m in, obviously. At least, the ones that do feature my face.

Anyway, my nutritional adventure has taken me to such lows as a bit of chicken with some brown rice all the way to the highs of Far Too Many miniature potato waffles, a burger and even, earlier today, a Pot Noodle (with a triple Bounty for dessert).

Basically I am the healthiest person alive and my new diet of mini potato waffles (they’re like potato waffles but smaller) means I will lose weight and gain muscle and be healthy and change the world and go to bed.

I think just the last bit is true there.

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