Dear Sir or Madam Brain,
I’ve known you for a long time now. We’ve been though some times over the 28-and-a-half years we’ve shared a similar space, and you’ve shown me many things like how to subtly introduce into the conversation the topic of when my birthday is thus reminding others and hopefully scoring you a badass present of Lego as a result. You’ve also shown me many ways in which to take things off topic. You’ve also made me think of things on the spur of the moment that have made Bret Hart, Richard Herring and Tim Schafer laugh.
You’ve done me well.
But it’s not all perfect, brain. I have some issues with you and I’d like to point a few things out here and now. This is in no way a comprehensive list, nor is it a threat of any kind – I’m am not going to have you replaced should you fail to live up to my expectations/requests. I am just putting them out there with a hope – a hope that you will be able to realise I only point these things out because I like you a bit. And I hope you have the respect for me that you will take the points on board and do the right thing.
When there is something I do not like, something I do not like the memory of or something I am not particularly up for thinking about, do not then make me think about it. After you have not done that, please do not follow it up by bringing up mental images and other such thoughts periodically through the day. It is the work of a complete shit, and it is what you might call ‘self defeating’. STOP IT.
When I go shopping and I only need milk and cooking oil, don’t suggest it would be a ‘good idea’ to get some mushrooms, painkillers and a couple of potatoes, as well as some Jaffa Cakes ‘because you haven’t had any in absolutely ages’. It’s not that I don’t appreciate it, it’s just I only wanted those things because they’re the only things I needed. Stop convincing me to get more, you bastard.
Don’t fall into that trap I’ve seen you falling into recently, where you get some hideously unhealthy food but then combine it with a Diet Coke. If you’re going all-out, go all-out and just get full fat. It’s nicer. You know this. You prefer it. You’re already trying to kill yourself with whatever pizza/Chinese/fast food you’re getting, so at least do it properly. No half measures.
When there’s a group of people with an expectation for you to be funny or entertaining in some way, don’t lock up and ultimately fail in a very public fashion. Don’t brain fart when you’re normally witty and (less normally) charming. You selfish bastard.
Stop Tweeting so much. Though that’s partly my fault too. We both take the blame there.
Like I said, there are more things, covering such things as ‘how to talk to girls’ (i.e. don’t just insult them endlessly) and ‘how to save money properly’ (i.e. don’t fucking spend it). But for now, this brief list will do.
I thank you for your time and I hope to hear back from you soon.