I have decided on a new scientifical experiment from the future that is the sort of thing New Scientist will be writing about for the rest of forever. I am known for having a face, and on this face I tend to wear expressions.
I have noticed over the years that people find it ‘not that easy’ to read my internal thoughts and emotions based solely on my face, what it looks like, what it is doing or who it is spitting bile at. This has gone on for too long and I believe I need to do something to sort it out and make it easier on the idiots who cannot read me (i.e. ‘most of you’).
And so it is that I have concocted an experiment that will help with this. I will attach a steadicam to myself, possibly on the neck or torso, and it will point straight at my face. I will record my own face through the day and, at the end of each day, review the footage like the amazing reviewing machine that I am.
Judging each moment of each day and each reaction to each moment (combined with memories of how I was feeling at the time) I will be able to put together a collection of images showing my different emotions. I believe I have experienced five emotions in my life, so it shouldn’t take too long to get them all down.
I will then link these particular facial features with a word describing what is going on in my head. Words such as ‘happy’, ‘chocolate’, or ‘fire’*. These picture-word links will then be posted to every single person in the world as a form of forced education, meaning nobody will ever misread my reaction to them ever again.
Some might suggest I use this footage of my own face to try and retrain myself to pull different faces to make it more obvious what’s going on inside the noggin, but the people who suggest that are idiots who should piss off. As if I can be bothered learning.
*With apologies to Eugene Mirman.