Star Wars Episode I: The Phanom Menace 3D Review (confetti/10)

Today I went gone done seen Star Wars Episode I in the cinema for the second time. Only this time around, unlike in ’99, it had an extra dimension. And oh! let me tell you about that extra dimension, for it was a doozy of a dimension.

Whereas before there was an insanely dull film – honestly, it’s space-based fantasy and it’s about taxation and trade route blockades for the love of Thor – with some cool fights in it at the end, now it’s an insanely dull film – honestly, it’s space-based fantasy and it’s about taxation and trade route blockades for the love of Thor – with some cool fights in it at the end IN 3D.

And oh! what a dimension dimension number three is. Whereas before it was in 2D, now it is in 3D! And oh! what a dimension that is. At one point it looked like Liam Neeson’s hand was coming out of the screen a bit! And in another part some things went across the screen quickly and looked all jerky and blurry because it was too hard for my eyes to get any real focus on them!

Oh! what a technology it is.

But the best part was the confetti. Just as you’re thinking this extra dimension couldn’t be any more joyous, along comes the confetti. Oh! the confetti. It fluttered, it danced, it slowly fell and it almost looked like it was there.

Never mind the epic space battles, the ancient order of Jedi knights, Brian Blessed, double-bladed lightsabers or anything else: confetti is where it’s at.

They should make an entire film where you’re just watching 3D confetti fly about for two hours. Just tell people it’s a sequel to the carrier bag video off American Beauty and all the hipster pricks will go mental for it. Guaranteed millions.

Oh! the 3D.

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